The Dopple Gang: Smart Humor By Dumb People

Exciting Investment Opportunities In Johnny McNulty

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Johnny McNulty and I am the sovereign ruler of myself, titled renter of my apartment and heir to occasional influxes of cash from my mother. You have been selected through a rigorous name generator to be informed of exciting investment opportunities in myself and my personal industry. I am very industrious. With an influx of capital, perhaps from a Sovereign Wealth Fund (if anyone from Abu Dhabi is reading! Or Norway - Johnny can provide complete proof that he does not use child labor or produce land mines, nuclear weapons, or cluster munitions), hedge fund, or private investor, who knows what rates of personal growth can be achieved?  My industries of expertise include:

1.) Technology - Johnny (me) has a long history of being on the internet, and is aware of the latest memes and animal-picture trends. He has run several small sites dedicated to serving his core constituency of friends and family for over two years, and whenever he asks, people say they read it almost every time he emails them. In addition, Johnny has considerable acumen in video-games, focusing on more conservative, less risky strategy games which produce an admirable record of finishing 89% of single-player campaigns.

2.) History, Political Science - Johnny majored in History in college, and double-majored in Political Science until he dropped it because it wanted him to take courses all the time. As we all know, in today's society capital can move across borders with unprecedented ease, providing almost unlimited access to the markets of almost all the nations of the world. But how often has that capital arrived, only to find integration awkward due to a lack of knowledge of the inner politics of the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere during the 1930's and 1940's, or an intricate understanding of Hapsburg diplomatic protocol? All too often, is the answer. But no more, now that for a small fee you can call Johnny at home and ask him for trivia, or the geographical location of South American nations.

3.) Hospitality - Johnny is a great cook, an adept conversationalist, and his couch folds out into a very comfortable full bed. Could Johnny's apartment be a successful bed and breakfast? Do you have $20,000? Then yes!

4.) Administrative Services - Johnny has interned for some of the finest organizations in the world, from the Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia, Saturday Night Live, The Onion, Late Night With Conan O'Brien, The Aspen Institute, and The Institute for State Effectiveness. Johnny has all the filing, researching, tech-support, coffee-producing, minutes-taking capabilities of a Delhi-based Indian Institute of Technology grad, with none of the political baggage. The only requirement is that I not leave my apartment and work three hours a day. Is that cool?

5.) Finance - I set up a $300 E*Trade account in January, which currently is $297 but I will report got as high as $335 in February before I took the advice of my stupid roommate, who works at Bear Stearns. Although not for long, the jerk.

6.) Email Advertisement - Do you need to send emails advertising your investment opportunities to millions of unsuspecting Americans with the hope of striking gold on one or two senior citizens? Look no further! I will shamelessly plug any and all new product launches, investments, or pleas for money from exiled royalty with the pestering ruthlessness by which I remind my friends and acquaintances to come to my improv shows every weekend.

So if you have excess cash you're unable to figure out how to spend on yourself, come deposit it in me! Interested investors should contact the white kid losing his money playing chess in Union Square. And they should hurry, because Manny has a deal where I can play 3 games for $10 until 6 p.m.

I'm a Recent College Graduate Who Lives in Manhattan, and This is What I Did Last Night

              Oh, we were at One Sylabble Noun, it’s this new club in the Meat Packing District. Way better than Chelsea. I fucking hate going to Rane in Chelsea. Oh my god. Seriously, so many hot chicks. New York is way better than Atlanta. I love it. It’s just like hitting me how great it is living here.

              They have these trains, which I am now completely and totally on top of memorizing. In fact, I memorize all obscure public transportation routes just to out-city snob all those bridge-and-tunnel freaks. So bourgey. Yeah like Bourgeois, dude, but you know, douchier. What tools.

             Anyway, so we went to a show last night. No, dude, musical theatre is not gay, this is New York and we do cultured things here. Hello, I was out in the meat packing district last night? At one syllable noun? Dude I threw up on Jay-Z’s shoes, that’s how fucking VIP it was. So we’re at this show. No I didn’t go with girls, I was there with Craig, dude. Anyway so we totally snuck these forties in and drank em during the show dude! So awesome! And these little kids were sitting next to us and we kept making funny faces at each other. I know, hilarious. The dad was sorta creeped out though and kept looking at us with narrowed eyes. I know, right? Bourgey. He’s probably from, you know, a suburb…or something.

           What’d you mean I’m from a suburb? Maybe back when I was bourgey and all, in college in a different city. I’ve been here for five years already. Well, that’s what it feels like. To be honest, dude, these past six months have just flown by. I’ve been so busy taking trains 1 through 4 and bragging about how I know how to get to different neighborhoods the fastest that I haven’t even had time to go bang some hipster chicks out in Brooklyn.

          Yeah, it’s full of hipsters dude. Like, way worse than Atlanta.   Atlanta  was ghettttttoooooo. Dude that’s the crazy thing! Even the minorities here are different. I met some Puerto Rican guy that actually spoke Yiddish. Even the poor are mulit-lingual! How nuts is that. Well, I mean, he didn’t really speak English. But it’s New York City man, you don’t need English when you can read a subway map!

             So many chicks last night, dude. Oh, you should come see this band I just discovered, they only play in this certain neighborhood, but they’re really good. What do you mean you’ve never been to that certain neighborhood? Oh my god, dude, it’s the new Noho. It’s like Soho merged with Washington Heights and converted to Judaism and then switched to a Catholic Central Park West and now had a sex change. Exactly, dude: tons o chicks.

          Well you’re invited. I’ve got the tickets at will call.  No my mom bought em for me. No, I’m a little tight. No I don’t have a credit card, I just have hers, dude. What’d you mean why?  I live in Manhattan. I’m a god amongst 20-something singles and I know club promoters? Of course my job covers it. Of course. But it’s an investment, and I have to get in now, dude. These networking connections will pay off in spades once I’m established. I don’t have time to save money, or rack up debt on some plastic piece of crap 2k limit credit card. You save money, suburbia. Soccer mom. Go drive across some more suspension bridges, Metro-North. Yeah, fine. I’ll just go to that show by myself. Fine! Who needs you, bourgie douche! Now do I take the six train or the five to get back home? Oh fuck it, where’s a cab? I hope they take credit cards.

By Michael J. Weingarth

What Happens When I Sit Down To Write Without Any Ideas

As a rule, The Dopple Gang is not a blog. So as a rule, I am bound to break that rule. Someone asked me today why I hadn't written anything recently, and my honest answer was that I had no ideas at the moment. Sad, but true. But, they responded, so what?

Yeah, I thought, so what? I'll just start writing! Well. This happened. It started off with the following brainstorming session:

"Ok...how will we be entertained in the future...hmmm...howbout everything gives you blowjobs. Like it was a really easy machine to make, and once they invented it, they just slapped it on to everything, like the way they do with iPods now."

Yep. And that thought took me to this:

More about THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!

Video Games Will Give You Blowjobs
       The late 2000's gave a taste of the divergent paths video-games would go down in the future. On the one hand, expensive, technology-intensive platforms aimed at hardcore gamers will continue to come closer and closer to reality, finally achieving decades of speculation about virtual reality, immersing the user in a total-feedback suit which will provide the tactile experience (minus the pain) depicted in the game. Imagine the experience, and technical skill required, to actually steer your avatar through modern-day military operations in the Middle East, fighting off insurgents, feeling the shockwaves of ordinance after calling in airstrikes, or being fellated by an extremely grateful Baghdad widow. Of course, for the inner otaku in all of us, Final Fantasy XX provides the rich story lines, amazing art, and cinematic blowjob cutscenes the fans have come to expect.
       On the other hand, more casual gamers will be attracted to the colorful graphics, simpler gameplay, and easy-to-use pleasure wand of the Nintendo company. Games like the cel-shaded Paper Mario 3: Escape From Blowjob Island, or games with fun brainteasers like "Blowjob Party Game," appeal to old and young alike who want all the fun of a blowjob without all the button mashing.

Cars Will Steer Themselves
      Although many people have predicted this invention, the will to actually develop it was not present until Toyota began offering drivers-side blowjob machines as an option, with other manufacturers of course rushing to follow suit. The resulting spike in traffic fatalities from thousands of ecstasy-addled motorists crashing into each other made development of self-steering cars a literal necessity. Now fatal traffic accidents are a rare exception, belonging only to the past and the American South, with families free to travel across the country without worrying about a pleasure-induced twitch plunging them all to their death.

And then I ran out of ideas for things that could be improved by blowjobs. Can you believe it? I mean, golf, maybe. But who wants to write about golf?

So, in conclusion, I will write when I have an idea. Because when I don't have one, I can't even think of things that would go well with a nice blowjob on the side, which is a list that extends to pretty much fucking everything.

I apologize to any relatives who may have read this.

Love,
Johnny