Scene: Kenny's Shoes, 9:45 am
Rick, the Manager, and Mandy, a Sales Clerk, are chatting
R: Man-dy. What can I do ya for?
M: Hey Rick. You know I’m not the one to raise workplace issues, but has Brian been acting…funny recently?
R: Oh, you’ve noticed? He wants to ‘get into broadcasting’ – those are his words – so he’s been practicing how to talk like an anchor.
M: Oh my God, is that what that is? I thought he seemed vaguely Kaity Tong-ish.
R: He started Monday, when a customer told him that his voice sounded ‘important’. Since then, he hasn’t let it go. I think that a background in shoe sales and three failed GED’s might be a bit of a roadblock, though.
M: Yeah, two is usually OK, but ABC can be so elitist. Shut up, here he comes. Hey Bri, how’s it going?
B: Good evening, Mandy. In the next hour, we have news of the Labor Day hours and the latest on the Size 9 Converse crisis. But first, we’ll hear from Rick, who is at the scene of growing conflict. Rick?
R: Uh, yeah. Thanks, Brian. I guess you’ve picked up on the weird vibes that have been going around. I kind of wanted to talk to you about how you’ve been talking to the customers. A couple have complained that you’ve been a bit, uh, distant lately.
B: I’m sorry to hear that, Rick. Thank you for that report. You know, Mandy, it’s disappointing to hear such sad news, especially when it’s totally untrue and based on the opinions of some narrow-minded, jealous coworkers. Wait a second, I’m getting word that there’s a brand new apology coming in from our reporter in the field, Rick.
R: I’m not going to apologize to you, Brian. You need to cut this reporter stuff out. People are getting uncomfortable and we’re losing business. You’re not going to be a reporter – you’re thirty-four, painfully out of shape, with no background in media, a less than television-worthy face, a lisp that Daffy Duck would mock.
B: And we’re back. I apologize for the difficulties, ladies and gentlemen. It appears our local communication channels were not functioning properly because of some ambient ass-hole-itude, which is in the process of being fixed.
R: You’re the ass hole, Brian. Grow up, get your head on straight, or your days here are numbered.
B: Things took a turn for the worse today when a local shoe store became the site of the tri-county area’s worst ass-kicking in nearly fifteen years. At approximately ten in the morning, Brian Correlli entered Kenny’s Shoes, located in Ridgemont Township, and violently beat the ass of his former supervisor, Rick 'The Prick' Algrove.
R: Get out, Brian, or I’m calling the cops.
B: Good night and rot in hell.
By CS Van Orden