00:00:00 – Good Lord, are there a lot of people here. I don’t know if I got a shot at winning this thing any more. Still going to kick ass, though. No way “Big Bear” Brolokowski’s gonna let a bunch of skinny nancies beat him in a footrace. I mean, come on, the guy next to me is sweating already. Save it for the race, pal. And look at those short shorts – it’s freezing out here, man, no reason to show off the angle of your dangle. At about mile 23, I’ll bet he’s gonna wish that he wore a Santa costume, too, or at least some classy cut off shorts. Hey now, here we go.
00:00:22 – Suck it, losers. A little early sprinting to establish the lead and then it’s all about maintenance. I can’t believe they’re all gonna give up so damn early in the race. Whoa, whoa, whoa, sister, where do you think you’re going? Really, to my left? Well, Mr. Elbow begs to differ. Boo-yah! No broad’s passing the Big Bear! This is gonna be easier than I thought.
00:01:48 – Let ‘em go. They’ll see, it’s pacing that matters. Just another case of the tortoise and the hare, friends. You go right ahead and tire yourselves out. I’m patient. I’m a goddamn tortoise.
00:29:08 – Oh God, my ulcer. It stings like Tabasco-covered bees from hell. Fight it, Big Bear, you can beat this. You got the heart of the champion. Did any of those prancing fruitcakes push back that sorry ass can-can line Overbrook called a defense back in ’78? No, I don’t believe they did. Work through the pain, Teddy.
00:48:22 – Ah, bone it, time for a walk.
1:38:55 – Who in the hell woulda thought walking could hurt like this? The tube socks slid down into my Spaldings and are actually shredding my feet into ribbons. Why didn’t I spring for cotton instead of these asbestos and steel wool pieces of trash?
02:15:55 – Now who the hell are these people running back the other way? They can’t be the guys in the lead. No way. That’s, what, 16 miles ahead? Christ, they ain’t human. And sweet Moses, look at that one! He crapped himself and he’s still running! There is something seriously wrong with these people.
02:40:27 – Part of my kneecap actually broke off inside me. I can feel it flopping around in there. Why did I ever think I could do this? It was that damn IT guy Mark, with that smug little smile of his and his fancy ‘running shoes’. Strap on any pair of shoes and start running; presto, running shoes.
03:12:03 – I can’t believe I’m gonna die standing up. I always thought I’d meet my Maker either on the john or on the couch, half-eaten turkey sandwich in my hand and a smile on my face. This is not natural.
03:29:53 – Screw this garbage. A guy shouldn’t be running on the street unless he’s getting chased by the cops or he’s chasing the guy his wife’s sleeping with, and last time I checked, I beat that DUI and Mary knows better.
by CS Van Orden