1. In A Spaceship – Does a spaceship give you freedom to roam the universe and have adventures without limit? Yes. Is it easy to escape from, given the vacuum and vastness of space? No. This is why it’s important to know to accept surrender when trapped in the tractor beam of a much larger space destroyer. Be proactive – call up the Kraktor general on the videophone (they never came up with a new name for it) and offer to send yourself over in exchange for the life of your crew. When he responds that your crew and you will be slaughtered regardless, well, at least you tried. Proceed to go to your escape capsule known only to yourself, disguised as the perpetually “out of order” bathroom. Escape, and self-destruct your ship on the way out so that your capsule is un-traceable among the wreckage. Never surrender!
2. At dinner – You and some friends have elected to dine at a fine Italian ristorante, and you desire to order the cheese plate and antipasto for the table, as you believe in the health benefits of a Mediterranean diet. Your co-worker Robert, however, tells you he is lactose intolerant and watching his sodium. Order the cheese and meats anyway. Never surrender!
3. In bed – Letting your partner take control in the sack requires a high level of trust, but can be one of the most exciting and rewarding parts of a sexual relationship. When she asks you if she can tie your hands to the bedposts and blindfold you, agree to it. Although seemingly, most sexperts (not sexpervs, mind you) would agree that submissive love to “top from the bottom”, try to really give yourself over to it. The lovemaking will passionate, dare I say mindblowing- especially once she begins to feel the LSD you covered your penis with. Take that, you control freak! Never surrender!
4. In religion – The subordination of the self to either the will of an almighty God or in touching the ultimate reality is the cornerstone of most religious and mystical traditions. A key aspect of this is meditation, practiced in different forms by most religionists, through focused breathing, chanting, prayer, or hermitage. Some monks have managed to live on a single grain of rice a day for years. For years, people have thought that these passive techniques were the way to enlightenment. But you know better- you will eat all their rice, to eliminate your competition, and then focus your third eye on a spiritual mirror, until you become infinite in metaphysical recursion, achieving a power and internal peace unparalleled by humans. This, of course, will win you back your ex-girlfriend who’s still mad about the LSD thing. Never surrender!
5. With a gun to your head – The truest test of a man is whether he can stay true to his principles even in the face of certain death. Certainly this is the situation you find yourself in. Surrendering and giving the gunman what he wants could spare your life at the price of your honor. However, another saying besides “never surrender” comes to mind, and it’s the one about fighting another day. Unfortunately the gunman is yourself, because living your life like an asshole has left you alone and miserable. While you ponder whether surrender or never surrendering is more likely to kill you, your ex-girlfriend walks into the room. She can’t stand the sight of you like this and she wants you back, even though she knows she’s just doing it out of pity and both of you will live out your lives in mutual suffering and a downward spiral of self-loathing. Never surrender!
By Johnny McNulty