The Zeus Blog - August 24
"The God of Kong: A Fistful of Lightning"
Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while. My internet has been way fucked up ever since I was drunk and threw a lightning bolt at my laptop. I guess the more specific problem was that I melted my MacBook, but still, my wireless is pretty much crap.
Listen, I just saw that movie The King of Kong, the one about the Donkey Kong high scores, and it was pretty awesome. And I was thinking....I could do that! I could really do that. I mean, leave aside the fact that I'm a god and everything....I have a lot of free time. A lot.
It's not that I'm unhappy or anything, I'm just really bored. I mean, my entire existence for a few thousand-odd years was being prayed to constantly under different names by Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, Romans, whatever, and bangin' the ladies while disguised as a goose, or a bull, or whatever chicks liked to bang in those days. But ever since people made the switch to monotheism, I've been pretty fucking much a waste of space. But I'm still a god for Pete's sake!
So if I can't be the god of a religion, then I'm going to be the god of video games. Or at least a video game. It may take me a whole summer to get as good as Steve Wiebe or Billy Mitchell (douche) at Donkey Kong but by Jove I'm-a-gonna win! Plus I'm immortal, and I've got satellite, so I can take a summer (or winter, whatever) off I suppose. The really tough thing is getting a classic arcade console up here on Olympus. I don't think anyone will deliver up here, and I have a pretty crappy eBay rating after I goofed and tried to pay with drachmas once. Honest mistake, I swear. I'd go pick it up myself but my ability to transcend time and space has sort of vanished since people stopped believing in me. I'd get Apollo to get his chariot into gear and we could go pick one up, but he's...well, he's drinking again, and every time I go over to Delphi to check on him it just turns into a fight, so I'm just gonna make the hike to that one arcade in Athens.
Maybe I should finally just pack up and move to New York. I mean, home is home, but it's about time I just faced up to the fact that this town isn't gonna become the center of the world again any time soon. *Sigh*
Thanks for letting me vent, guys. It's when I don't do it that bad stuff like melting my MacBook happens, and I have to blog from the laundromat down the block.
- by Johnny McNulty