WHY I COULD NEVER ROB A BANK
ATTEMPT No 1.
By Michael J. Weingarth
ME: Tell me this. If I choose your money-manager account, and I only use, say, 60% of my savings in that account, and put the rest into, say, plastic explosives, how willing would you be to sacrifice yourself to save me from taking a few mil out of the ole’ vault-a-roo back there?
TELLER: Hah, well, not very sir. But the money-manager account gets you over 1.2% higher interest than a regular checking account, so at that rate, you could rob a bank three times the size of this one, and get a much higher return on your investment.
ME: (Looking puzzled) Wait, I meant, if I had the C-4 now…
TELLER: Well, you’ve gotta account for inflation. Sure, you bought the C-4 a few months ago, but the value of those explosives is going to drop over time. That’s why the money-manager account is perfect for entrepreneur and forgive the pun, explosive business opportunities. Steady rates and complete liquidity! It’s really the perfect account for anyone engaged in high-risk business.
ME: So if I saved now and withdrew in say, three years, I’d have enough C-4 for what? Like a whole series of bank-robberies?
TELLER: Well, don’t you think your limiting yourself with just looking at only banks? There’s plenty of other options out there. And with sound financial advisors that have a minimum of twelve years experience, you’d be getting the best advice from some of the smartest people in the investment industry.
ME: I’ve actually always wanted to own my very own bakery. Could they help me with that?
ATTEMPT No 2.
ME: I want you to look around and tell me if you see a man in a hat.
BANK MANAGER: Okay. Alright, I’m looking around, and…nope. No man in a hat.
ME: Maybe its’ not a hat, more like a doo-rag and a baseball cap combo, but still, he’s got something on his head.
BANK MANAGER: Oh yes, yes, I see someone like that. He’s rather old, is he?
ME: No. What? No. He’s not at all. Look, he’s over there. Right there, see where I’m pointing?
BANK MANAGER: Nope. I’m sorry, I’m rather near-sighed.
ME: Well, imagine there’s a guy, in a doo-rag hat combo thing, and he’s really mean-looking.
BANK MANAGER: Okay…and he wants sound investment advice?
BANK MANAGER: Well, first of all, he should know that now’s a fantastic time for commodities. Speculation has never been easier for the amateur investor. All you really need is a credit rating and you’re good to go, unlimited online trading through our website for just $4dollars a trade.
ME: No! He’s my…$4 dollars a trade? Wow, that’s super low. I thought it used to be up near $15.
BANK MANAGER: Actually, we started to gear our online departments towards low-cost trading so that our customers could actively manage their accounts with as little interference from us as possible. That’s the type of bank we are, Mr…?
ME: Hey, call me Mike. Pleased to meet you. Can I just sign up online? Or do I need a savings account with you first?
ATTEMPT No 3.
ME: Give me all the money in the fault.
CUTE TELLER: Ha ha, very funny. You know they usually arrest people for saying that. Look, I’m pressing the secret under-the-counter alarm right now, cause I’m soooo scared. (giggles)
ME: What? No, I’m the bank robber. See that crew of guys with AK-47s dressed like a softball team?
CUTE TELLER: I mean, I get a lot of lines in here buddy. ‘Give me all the money,’ ‘work here often?’ etc. Whatever happened to just asking a girl out?
ME: What?! No, seriously, look-
CUTE TELLER: Well, I kind of am seeing someone. He’s a little over-bearing though. Talks endlessly about himself, blah blah blah. And he’s kind of whiney, I don’t know.
ME: Oh, that’s unfortunate. About the money though-
CUTE TELLER: And I’m not some huge skank that’s gonna give it up just because you keep pouring shots of Bacardi Orange shots into me.
ME: Oh don’t start with that “I’m not a slut, therefore I’m going to arbitrarily hold out” bullshit. If I think you’re attractive, I have to wait until you decide it’s okay for me to be more than your drunken make-out buddy? Like that’s even fun after the third time anyway.
CUTE TELLER: Hah, I know, especially if the other person sucks at it. I was just saying that I think people should get to know each other first, that’s all. If you can’t be friends with someone, you’re never going to be more than friends.
ME: Oh, well yeah, obviously.
CUTE TELLER: Yeah.
ME: So would you wanna get drinks tonight?
SECURITY GUARD (enters with gun drawn): HANDS UP! You’re under arrest for attempted robbery. Thanks for stalling, Karen.
ME: Oh you fucking bitch.