Dear Official Dopple Gang fan,
Welcome to www.thedopplegang.com, the Internet’s latest fiasco. The entire staff would like to welcome and thank you for your subscription, which has been charged automatically and goes into effect immediately. We truly appreciate the moral and financial support that comes with your readership. For a mere 29.95 a week, you will be receiving fairly frequent updates, the official Dopple Gang decoder ring, and affiliate membership in the DG ‘Rolling Crew’. And as part of this special introductory offer, you will also receive this handsome canvas tote bag.
The Dopple Gang is dedicated
to you, the reader. In all things, we pursue three key tenets:
1. the promotion of juvenile and mildly offensive humor; 2. grassroots
social activism; and 3. raising awareness of the worldwide male pattern
baldness epidemic. A portion of your Dopple-level five-year fixed-rate
mortgage will go toward supporting at least one of these causes.
As an underwriter for this joint venture, you will be expected to read daily, as well as provide and maintain all IT support, comedic content, and footrubs heretofore required for the operation of said website. By opening this page, you have agreed to aforementioned stipulations.
Your first payment of 418.73
– which includes the first and last month’s rent, the finder’s
fee, the Smoot-Hawley tariff, the late fee, and ‘I don’t like your
face’ tax – is due at the the first of September. Any failure
to receive payment by that date will result in prompt legal action.
We here at Dopple Gang Industries, Ltd. are excited to have you as an investor. Remember, you now own one two thousandth of this website, so please be careful to treat it right. Enjoy!
CS Van Orden