FEATURED ON MCSWEENEYS.NET 9/24/07, OUR VERY OWN MICHAEL J. WEINGARTH's Beer-oes, Season 1 DVD Release Trailer
(“Meant to Live” by Switchfoot plays)
Miller High Life: (on rooftop) You ever get the feeling you could just…I don’t know…do something incredible?
(cut to a burning barn)
Citizen 1: That barn is going to collapse!
Stout: I’m on it! (Stout runs in, and using his powers of stoutness, holds up a wall)
Citizen 2: Look at that guy, he’s so stocky! He must be really dense to be that strong for his size.
Citizen 3: He’s not stocky… (cut music, blackout) he’s stout.
(“Cult of Personality” by Living Colour plays, camera cuts to beer bottles around a table set for thanksgiving dinner)
Elder bottle 1: So Bobby, do anything special today?
Hefeweizen: No, not really.
Younger bottle 1: Bobby stopped a stampede. He said he could control all the cows because he’s a hefferweizen.
Hefeweizen: I think Susie needs to take her Ritalin. (whole table laughs, we see Susie give Hefewezien an angry glare, and Hefeweizen shoots Susie a knowing wink. Cut back to rooftop from opening shot)
Miller High Life: I can fly! Yeah! YEEEEAH! IT’S MY TURN TO BE SOMEONE NOW, GARY!
(cut a train station)
Secret Service Agent 1: We’ll never get the president to the doctor in time! Someone’s gotta carry all the bags with important government secrets in them!
Secret Service Agent 2: But who could carry all that? We’d need a dozen men!
Porter: (walks out of the shadows, spits out toothpick) I’m your man.
Secret Service Agent 1: And what are you supposed to be?
Porter: I’m a porter.
(Cut to a room full of beer bottles)
Miller High-Life: Look, I think it’s time we all recognized that we have…gifts.
Pilsner: What are you talking about?
Lager: He’s right. My whole life, I’ve known I’ve been…just incredibly tasty. And 30-pack, he can do a really great Christopher Walken impression.
30-Pack: (In Christopher Walken Voice) I’m Christopher Walken. (everyone laughs)
Forty: Pilsner, you’re one to talk.
Pilsner: Shut up, Abe.
Forty: He can locate any other pilsner in the world, using only his label.
Pilsner: I said shut up, Abe!
Hefeweizen: Please! There’s no reason to fight each other. We’ve got to all realize something.
30-pack: (in Christopher Walken voice) We’ve got to all realize that Lager is seriously, just incredibly super extra tasty, in ways that make my head explode with confetti bubbles. Crazy.
Lager: That’s really good.
Pilsner: I don’t care what any of you freaks say! I’m not banding together with a bunch of degenerates. Come on, dopple-bock, we’re off to form our own agenda.
Dopple-bock: (makes grunting noise)
Forty: It doesn’t have to be like this, Frank. We can work together, not against each other.
Pilsner: The day I work alongside of you, you macro-brew fuck, will be the day I get recycled for five cents in most states, seven in the weird ones.
Porter: Let ‘em go. They’ve got their own choices to live with.
Stout: Why don’t I just bruise ‘em up real good?
30-Pack: (in Christopher Walken voice) Yeah, break their knees, those rat bastards.
Lager: Okay, now it’s getting old.
Miller-High Life: Gentlemen, we’ve all been gathered here for a reason. It’s high time we realized that were more than ordinary beers. We are, all of us…
(cut music, fade to black, title screen shows up with name of show emblazoned with lots of blue fire)
Voice-over: Season 1 available Tuesday. Surgeon General’s Warning: Women who are pregnant or may be pregnant should not watch Beer-oes. Beer-oes may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Please watch responsibly.
by Michael J. Weingarth