Despite consisting of three members, the Dopple Gang owes its very existence to just one man. If not for the saintly humility of that man, the world would already know the extent to which the now familiar comedic consortium, beloved by millions, is the brainchild of one of the most influential figures of the 20th century.
The story of the Dopple Gang begins on June 6, 1984. On that day, in Ridgewood, New Jersey, Patricia and Scott Van Orden welcomed a beautiful, frighteningly perfect son, a son who belonged as much to them as to the world. A son they would name 'Christopher Scott Van Orden'.
From the very moment of his birth, Chris showed prodigious strength, remarkable comedic insight, and wisdom beyond his years. He was also adorable. Anyway, as the doctor went to present the newly birthed babe to his mother, Chris removed his own umbilical cord with surgical scissors slyly pilfered from the obstetrician’s pocket, delivered a wry quip equating the hospital’s deplorable delivery room with a Bangladesh privy (sadly, the exact wording is lost to history), and scampered from the delivery room to single-handedly save the life of a recently admitted gunshot-wound victim. Witnesses quote the shocked nurse as being the first of many to say, “That Chris Van Orden sure is something”.
The humorist’s young life mirrors his birth in its consistent exhibitions of prowess and wit. In Mrs. Halewicz’s third-grade class, the teacher was forced to cancel class and send the students home, having been unable to stop laughing at Chris’s popsicle stick parody of the key players in the recent milk money scandal. Eight of his female classmates asked him to be his Valentine that year, a Pines Lake Elementary record.
Four years later, Chris’s comedy caused another school closing, this time taking a decidedly tragic tone. The ‘Cafetorium Tragedy’, as it’s now known, saw three classmates actually have their guts busted. Doctors could do nothing for the trio, who echoed Brian Manning’s dying words, “The joke was totally worth it”.
Chris’s university career was marked by similar feats of
comedic genius, many performed under the auspices of the respected journal, the
Johnny McNulty was a well-to-do aristocrat, born into the
Michael Weingarth was a rough and tumble hoodlum from the
Chris, sensing the writers’ implied cries for guidance, took the pair under his proverbial wings and proverbially fed them the regurgitated worms of comedic tutelage. Then, in a moment of foresight reminiscent of Nostradamus, Chris built a proverbial nest that would become the home to the ragtag bunch of proverbial birds – The Dopple Gang. Thus was born next year’s most popular humor website.
By someone other than CS Van Orden