The Dopple Gang: Smart Humor By Dumb People

The Singular Vision of a Single Visionary: The Story of the Dopple Gang

Despite consisting of three members, the Dopple Gang owes its very existence to just one man.  If not for the saintly humility of that man, the world would already know the extent to which the now familiar comedic consortium, beloved by millions, is the brainchild of one of the most influential figures of the 20^th century. 

The story of the Dopple Gang begins on June 6, 1984. On that day, in Ridgewood, New Jersey, Patricia and Scott Van Orden welcomed a beautiful, frighteningly perfect son, a son who belonged as much to them as to the world.  A son they would name 'Christopher Scott Van Orden'.

From the very moment of his birth, Chris showed prodigious strength, remarkable comedic insight, and wisdom beyond his years. He was also adorable. Anyway, as the doctor went to present the newly birthed babe to his mother, Chris removed his own umbilical cord with surgical scissors slyly pilfered from the obstetrician’s pocket, delivered a wry quip equating the hospital’s deplorable delivery room with a Bangladesh privy (sadly, the exact wording is lost to history), and scampered from the delivery room to single-handedly save the life of a recently admitted gunshot-wound victim. Witnesses quote the shocked nurse as being the first of many to say, “That Chris Van Orden sure is something”.

The humorist’s young life mirrors his birth in its consistent exhibitions of prowess and wit. In Mrs. Halewicz’s third-grade class, the teacher was forced to cancel class and send the students home, having been unable to stop laughing at Chris’s popsicle stick parody of the key players in the recent milk money scandal. Eight of his female classmates asked him to be his Valentine that year, a Pines Lake Elementary record.

Four years later, Chris’s comedy caused another school closing, this time taking a decidedly tragic tone. The ‘Cafetorium Tragedy’, as it’s now known, saw three classmates actually have their guts busted. Doctors could do nothing for the trio, who echoed Brian Manning’s dying words, “The joke was totally worth it”.

Chris’s university career was marked by similar feats of comedic genius, many performed under the auspices of the respected journal, the University of Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. Highlights include Great New Food Recipes and The Mind of an Insomniac…OF THE FUTURE!. During his tenure at the publication, the history of humor was forever altered, as Chris encountered two youthful, ambitious writers looking to make their big break.

Johnny McNulty was a well-to-do aristocrat, born into the Philadelphia elite, whose modest work with The Onion and Saturday Night Live had gained him a small following among the nerdier classes of blue-bloods. He was well-known at the university for being the final (and thus most patrician) student to spit out his birthright ‘silver spoon’. He then coated the spoon in gold and a second layer of silver, to add two more layers of refinement).

Michael Weingarth was a rough and tumble hoodlum from the wilds of Connecticut, trying to make a life in the City of Brotherly Love by publishing more than any other person in the history of Western civilization. His ‘punching fits’, vitriolic tirades against phonies, and withering comebacks against unsuspecting old women passing by earned him a reputation as a ‘meany’.

Chris, sensing the writers’ implied cries for guidance, took the pair under his proverbial wings and proverbially fed them the regurgitated worms of comedic tutelage. Then, in a moment of foresight reminiscent of Nostradamus, Chris built a proverbial nest that would become the home to the ragtag bunch of proverbial birds – The Dopple Gang. Thus was born next year’s most popular humor website.

By someone other than CS Van Orden

Girls Gone Wild Host Burnt Out on Convincing Self Boobs are Still Interesting

Who likes boobies? Shake ‘em, girls! Whoo! I was on the Man Show after the famous dudes left, that’s right! My mother won’t return my phone calls but TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!! GIRLS GONE WILD! That’s right. Lots of normal co-eds, eager to get back at their fathers for some stupid reason are TAKING OFF THEIR TOPS!! Real-life girls right here, at…some bar. With girls. And hooters, lots and lots and lots of hooters. Hard to fathom how many hooters are here.

Haven’t seen these before! Look at that. Hoo boy. Boobs. Those are boobs, if I’ve ever seen a pair, and I’ve seen…twenty nine-thousand, four hundred and eighty six, if memory serves. Yep, those are breasts alright. Sometimes they jiggle- no I wasn’t’ saying jiggle-oh look, there you go, bouncing them up and down. Look at ‘em wiggle. Whoopee. Gravity in action there, little bit of Issac Newton. Oh hey, you’ve got a “born to be wild” shirt on, jeez. And now it’s off. Didn’t see that one coming. I’ll bet you a dollar one of them is slightly bigger than the other.

  Alright, CONTEST TIME! We’re gonna see how many more gin and tonics I need to drink before one of you starts reminding me of my ex-wife. And what are you gonna do, regardless of what I say? Take off your tops! Yeah! Alright! Bartender, next round! Oh great, you’re shoving them in my face while I’m drinking. Wow. Thanks. Not that it matters, since you’ll be doing that for the rest of your life after this tape gets out.

by Michael J. Weingarth

My Guest Lecture for ANTH 137 – Anthropology of Food

Good morning, class. Sorry, yes, afternoon. Evening. Who’s to say where seven pm falls?

My name is Dr. CS Van Orden and I’m going to be standing in for my good friend, Dr. Mazzeo, while she’s out for her radical reconstructive surgery. No need to worry, I’m sure she’ll be all right, although when she returns to class, I’m not so sure you’re going to want to think that much about food. Ha ha. She’ll be grotesque is my point. On account of the surgery. Forget it. 

Today we’re going to be speaking about the world’s most popular drink. That’s right, coffee. Well, I suppose tea might be more popular; there are a lot of Chinese. And yes, water, but that hardly qualifies. Coffee is damn popular, class, that’s what matters.

Its popularity stems from the many physiological benefits attributed to it – caffeine acts as a mild stimulant, while helping to curb hunger and trigger the bowels.  Plus the bitter taste helps to mask the whiskey. Am I right or what, folks?  Hey-oh!

Coffee has been consumed by man for hundreds, no thousands, of years. Well, hundreds.  Maybe about a thousand or so…a lot. 

In any case, the history of coffee-drinking is a long and hallowed one. No one knows quite when it began, but most beverage scholars agree: it wasn't in England.  (Pause for laughter).  But seriously, we don't have a clue when people started drinking coffee.

It's not as if it's the most intuitive brew to concoct.  Coffee grows underground and are what we in the field call ‘tubers’. What’s that? Um. Ummmm. That’s right – I was testing you. Good job, Billy, you passed. I mean Andrew. Sorry, Stephanie. My memory isn’t quite what it used to be. The seventies really did a number on the old gray matter.

As Stephanie said, coffee beans are encased in a tough, silly looking pod. There’s no evidence as to when, why, or how those beans got into hot water.  It's a tough nut to crack (pause for laughter). 

I once saw one of those coffee pod things in real life and they are ug-ly. I for one know it’s not something I’d want to have the Dunkin Donuts man or Juan Valdez percolate for me. No sirree, Bob. No way. No thank you.

But some wise guy saw those beans and thought, ‘Hey, I’m thirsty, plus I’ve got these donuts’. So he ground them up, put them in his Mr. Coffee, and voila! And yes, Mr. Coffee came first. That’s probably where the idea came from to grind up the beans. Write that down. I thought of it.

So there you go class, the anthropology of coffee. That was pretty informative, if I do say so myself, and we’ve finished a bit early. Fine, Billy, a lot early. Gah – Stephanie, right. Again, my apologies.  

By CS Van Orden

Smorld The Dragon's Daily Planner

Click for the full image:

Spam? Or Letters From Your Ex?

1.  Concerned About Penis Size? You should be.

2.  GET THE UNIVERSITY DEGREE YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN, SLACKER

3.  Lowest price meds- Since you still don’t have insurance, do you?

4.  Important stock tip!  This one might even save your ass from all those gambling debts!

5.  BE MY FOREIGN PARTNER!  I need an idiot to help me cash 8 million dollars from Kenya, so I thought of you

6.  Ebay Customer Service Warning:  We can’t believe you bought episodes of Transformers for $72

7.  I AM LONELY 18 YEAR OLD FEMALE, PLEASE CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND WITH ME, JERK

   

by Michael J. Weingarth

In This Issue of Mad Scientist Weekly

1.  5 ways to revive your love life with your cloned wives

2.  Labcoats: What to do after Labor Day?

3.  How to keep your army of robot geese from flying south this winter

4.  Precarious ledges not to leave your vase filled with “werewolf potion” on

5.  How to make smoke come out of a graduated cylinder: It’s just dry ice!

6.  Vats of acid: Walkways above them or not?

7.  Killer Lab Assistant centerfold

8.  Evil Genius quiz: Are you an Evil Genius, or just a Mad Scientist?

9.  The benefits of radiation mutation over chemical or natural mutation

10.  Top ten greatest lab accidents that resulted in Supervillains

By Michael J. Weingarth

Columbia University's Controversial Speaker Series, Fall 2007 Schedule

Monday, September 24 – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The series opens with a conversation with one of today’s most contentious public figures, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Iranian President has graciously agreed to come speak to students, faculty, and invited guests in between sessions at the United Nations. Ahmadinejad is infamous for his volatile public statements calling for the destruction of the Israeli state and doubting the Holocaust’s existence. A light reception will follow the talk.

Wednesday, October 17 – Terrell Owens

The Dallas Cowboys receiver and long-time New York foe will discuss his ‘perfection’ on the field and in life. Those in attendance are guaranteed to witness some of T.O.’s famous in-your-face attitude as broaches such topics as: his hydrocodone overdoes, what makes New York awful, how awesome he is, the raunchy Desperate Housewives skit, his awesomeness, his former teams, and the degree of awesometude he’s been able to reach relative to everyone else.  Introduction by Owen’s ego.

Friday, November 9 – Attila the Hun’s Ghost

Researchers at Columbia University’s National Necromancy Institute (CUNNI) have helped to bring this enormously influential 5^th century figure to New York. While alive, Attila led the Hunnic Empire in its brutal territorial expansion into Western empires, earning him the nickname “Scourge of God”. Alternately despised and revered by history, Attila’s ghost will be available after the speech for a brief Q&A session until his ectoplasm runs out.

Monday, Novemer 26 – Tommy McAvoy

Columbia is thrilled to have Tommy McAvoy as a part of its Controversial Speaker Series. Mr. McAvoy is perhaps best known for his year-long reign of terror over Miss Gunderson’s second grade class in Pinebrook Elementary. In addition to a discussion about his fall from power following a disappointing puberty, the 1991 Bully of the Year will be collecting all past due milk money. Punch and knuckles sandwiches will be served.

Tuesday, December 18 – General Zod

Despite vocal protests by the Daily Press, Columbia will honor America’s tradition of academic freedom by bringing General Zod to campus to promote discussion and reflection. Superman’s arch-nemesis will be speaking about his military career, which began with an attempt to overthrow the Kryptonian government and peaked with the near success of his campaign to enslave Earth.  The General has been granted temporary amnesty by the U.S. government for kidnapping the President. All members of the Columbia community are welcome, provided they’re willing to kneel before Zod.

By CS Van Orden

Beer-oes, Season 1 DVD Release Trailer

FEATURED ON MCSWEENEYS.NET 9/24/07, OUR VERY OWN MICHAEL J. WEINGARTH's Beer-oes, Season 1 DVD Release Trailer

(“Meant to Live” by Switchfoot plays)

Miller High Life:  (on rooftop)  You ever get the feeling you could just…I don’t know…do something incredible? 

(cut to a burning barn)

Citizen 1:  That barn is going to collapse!

Stout:  I’m on it!  (Stout runs in, and using his powers of stoutness, holds up a wall)

Citizen 2:  Look at that guy, he’s so stocky!  He must be really dense to be that strong for his size.

Citizen 3:  He’s not stocky… (cut music, blackout) he’s stout.

(“Cult of Personality” by Living Colour plays, camera cuts to beer bottles around a table set for thanksgiving dinner)

Elder bottle 1:  So Bobby, do anything special today?

Hefeweizen:  No, not really.

Younger bottle 1:  Bobby stopped a stampede.  He said he could control all the cows because he’s a hefferweizen.

Hefeweizen:  I think Susie needs to take her Ritalin.  (whole table laughs, we see Susie give Hefewezien an angry glare, and Hefeweizen shoots Susie a knowing wink.  Cut back to rooftop from opening shot)

Miller High Life: I can fly!  Yeah! YEEEEAH!  IT’S MY TURN TO BE SOMEONE NOW, GARY!

(cut a train station)

Secret Service Agent 1:  We’ll never get the president to the doctor in time!  Someone’s gotta carry all the bags with important government secrets in them!

Secret Service Agent 2:  But who could carry all that?  We’d need a dozen men!

Porter:  (walks out of the shadows, spits out toothpick)  I’m your man. 

Secret Service Agent 1: And what are you supposed to be? 

Porter:  I’m a porter. 

(Cut to a room full of beer bottles)

Miller High-Life:  Look, I think it’s time we all recognized that we have…gifts. 

Pilsner:  What are you talking about?

Lager: He’s right.  My whole life, I’ve known I’ve been…just incredibly tasty.  And 30-pack, he can do a really great Christopher Walken impression.

30-Pack: (In Christopher Walken Voice)  I’m Christopher Walken.  (everyone laughs)

Forty:  Pilsner, you’re one to talk.

Pilsner: Shut up, Abe.

Forty:  He can locate any other pilsner in the world, using only his label.

Pilsner:  I said shut up, Abe!

Hefeweizen:  Please!  There’s no reason to fight each other.  We’ve got to all realize something.

30-pack: (in Christopher Walken voice)  We’ve got to all realize that Lager is seriously, just incredibly super extra tasty, in ways that make my head explode with confetti bubbles.  Crazy.

Lager: That’s really good.

Pilsner:  I don’t care what any of you freaks say!  I’m not banding together with a bunch of degenerates.  Come on, dopple-bock, we’re off to form our own agenda.

Dopple-bock:  (makes grunting noise)

Forty:  It doesn’t have to be like this, Frank.  We can work together, not against each other.

Pilsner:  The day I work alongside of you, you macro-brew fuck, will be the day I get recycled for five cents in most states, seven in the weird ones.

Porter:  Let ‘em go.  They’ve got their own choices to live with.

Stout: Why don’t I just bruise ‘em up real good?

30-Pack:  (in Christopher Walken voice)  Yeah, break their knees, those rat bastards.

Lager:  Okay, now it’s getting old.

30-Pack:  Sorry.

Miller-High Life:  Gentlemen, we’ve all been gathered here for a reason.  It’s high time we realized that were more than ordinary beers.  We are, all of us…

(cut music, fade to black, title screen shows up with name of show emblazoned with lots of blue fire)

Beer-oes.

Voice-over:  Season 1 available Tuesday.  Surgeon General’s Warning:  Women who are pregnant or may be pregnant should not watch Beer-oes.  Beer-oes may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery.  Please watch responsibly.

by Michael J. Weingarth       

South American Verizon Ads

1.  Spot 1, 90 Seconds-It’s my Network:  A man is attempting to get service from a modest white house atop a grassy hill.  He looks over the horizon and sees another house.  He tries yelling.  Eventually he holds up a big sign which says, “AYUDA ME”.  The man at the other house is wearing a Cingular tee-shirt.  He walks over to a nearby cell tower and sees a handful of squirrels messing with a breaker on the tower.  He shrugs and tips his hat over his head and goes to nap in his lawn chair.  Suddenly the Verizon guy walks up next to the first man and says, “Tired of your network?”  The first man immediately runs into the house and grabs an AK-47, screaming at his children.  He then throws a bag over the Verizon guy’s head and knocks him unconscious.  Fade to black.  Over the screen we see the text:  “The world’s largest network is getting bigger- so big that we don’t have to worry about one or two ransom threats.  Isn’t it time you switched to the right network?”  Still black, we hear shouts in Spanish and a grizzled, accented voice saying, “TELL THEM WE MEAN BUSINESS!” 

            The Verizon guy says, in a bag-over-head voice, “Can you hear me now?  THEY REALLY MEAN IT!!”

 

2.  Spot 2, 30 Seconds-  Customer Service:  Caracas.  A man is attempting to unlock his daughter’s cell phone.  She sits nearby, looking pissed.  He takes out his own cell-phone and calls customer service.  “Hello?  My daughter has locked her iPhone and she cannot unlock it.  Can you please help me?”  We cut to a customer service cubicle and a well-dressed woman in a headset says, “Sure, that’s no problem sir.  In two weeks, our glorious leader will declare a state-enforced monopoly for a much better foreign company that gives him the most money, or finds his brother the most prostitutes.”  The man looks puzzled.  Voiceover:  “Verizon- Finding a lot of hookers for Hugo Chavez’s Brother.”

   

3.  Spot 3, 60 Seconds-  When in Rio…:  An American guy is on the phone with his girlfriend.  “Hey baby!”  he says, over the noise of a street carnival.  “How are you?”

            “I’m great.  How’s the trip?”  she asks, curled up on a couch. 

            “It’s really great.  Hey, do you remember that girl who lived down the street from us a few years ago, Nancy Cartwright? ”  Suddenly a stunning brunette appears next to the boyfriend and he puts his arm around her.  He covers the receiver with his palm and says, “Hey Nancy, gimmie a second.”  They kiss.

            “Yeah, I remember her.  Why?”  The girlfriend flips through a magazine.

            “Well, I ran into her last night.  She’s from Rio originally.  Me and her and Greg went out and painted the town.  She’s a real looker, I think Greg has a crush on her.”  Nancy puts her hand down the man’s paints and he gives her a look as if to say, ‘oh you naughty girl.’

            “Yeah, she looks really good.  I couldn’t believe she used to be a man when she told me.”  The wife flips through pages and smells a perfume ad.  “Honey?  You there?  Hello?”  She taps the phone, and then looks at the display.  She rolls her eyes at the thought of a lost connection.  “Hello?  I think we lost service, baby.”

            The man’s face is frozen.  “Oh god,” he mutters.

            “Oh hey, you’re still there.”

            Cut to black. 

            Voiceover:  “Verizon, with the fewest dropped calls of any cell carrier.”

   

4.  Spot 4, 30 Seconds- Reliable:  Gunfire.  A street in Bogota.  Paramilitary soldiers fire back at police.  A man is hiding behind a small concrete wall by a parking garage, looking distressed.  Part of his clothing is singed.  What remains of a bank across the street is flaming, clearly the target of a bombing.  Suddenly, something explodes by the police and the paramilitary troopers make a run for it.  The man is scared shitless and shivering.  As he goes to get up, a bullet pings off of the wall, three inches from his face.  He screams, then bolts into the parking garage, where he jumps into a stairwell and hides in the fetal position.  Shots echo outside and you can hear a fire somewhere nearby.  The man, almost catatonic, whips out his cell phone, and goes to access the internet.  There he immediately books two tickets out of Colombia.  He starts sobbing and rocking back and forth.

            Voiceover:  “Verizon:  Internet access even in a parking garage!  The world’s most reliable network is always there when you need it!”  Another explosion.

   

by Michael J. Weingarth       

Anger Management: Donkey Kong

Counselor:  Do you know why you’re here, Mr. Kong?

DK:  Yes.  I have a problem with my temper.

Counselor:  Yes, that’s right.  Do you know why you have a problem with your temper?

DK:  As I told the judge, my lawyer, and everyone else, no.

Counselor:  Why is it that you get so angry?

DK:  I don’t get so angry.  I just, I don’t know.  I need to protect the princess.

Counselor:  Protect her from what?

DK:  From that oily fuck Mario, climbing up the ladders.  I can’t let him have her.  They’ll just have oily babies-

Counselor:  Language, Mr. Kong.  What did Mario do that upset you so much?

DK: (mumbling) Dodges all my barrels…

Counselor:  What?

DK:  Nothing.  Look, Doc, I don’t know why.  I just really don’t like him.  And I hate the princess, too.  It’s just with her I need to keep her away from him.  Ordinarily, I’d just eat the princess and then just rip Mario into shreds, but something about her, I don’t know.  It just makes me want to…to just…

Counselor:  Be a better gorilla?

DK:  Maybe?  I just feel like, when she’s around, suddenly, I just want to throw barrels at people, over and over, and over, until they rotate 360 degrees and the game over music plays in my head-

Counselor:  You hear music?  Jesus.  Well let’s save that for next time.  Go on.

DK: All I know is that when I have her captive, I don’t want to bite her in half.  And that’s a big change, Doc.  A big change.

Counselor:  What first drew you to barrels?

DK:  Symmetry, I suppose.  Seemed like a useful tool.  They roll at various speeds down slight inclines.  And they’re fun to throw.  Sometimes they hit this can of oil I’ve stashed at the bottom of the planes and they catch on fire.  That’s pretty cool.

Counselor:  Why not land mines?  Aren’t land mines fun to throw? 

DK:  That’s a little twisted, Doc. 

Counselor:  My point exactly.  Maybe if you really wanted to kill Mario, you would’ve chosen something else to throw, something lethal, and effective. 

DK:  No.  That’s not true.

Counselor:  I think you’re missing the point.  You’re such a lethal killing machine, Mr. Kong, and yet you can’t kill one oily little plumber.  Sounds to me like someone’s in denial.

DK:  What do you know about it?  How many princesses have you ever kidnapped?

Counselor:  I don’t need to kidnap any princesses to know a lying gorilla when I see one.  The reason you’ve been half-assing your attempts to kill Mario are pretty obvious, Mr. Kong.

DK:  I don’t have to take this from you.

Counselor:  Oh come on!  You can’t see it?  You’re afraid.

DK:  Screw this.  I knew this was a bad idea. (gets up)

Counselor:  Mr. Kong, you have been ordered by the State to attend these meetings.

DK:  You’re a quack.  Get lost.  (starts to leave)

Counselor:  Help me help y- (cut off by a barrel rolling into the office.  It stops just short of the doctor.  On the barrel is a picture of a middle finger)  Oh very clever, Mr. Kong.  But you have years of emotional repression in there waiting to come out!  All those metaphorical ladders your enemies keep climbing! How high can you get, Mr. Kong!  HOW HIGH CAN YOU GET?!

 

By Michael J. Weingarth

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