Good morning, class. Sorry, yes, afternoon. Evening. Who’s to say where seven pm falls?
My name is Dr. CS Van Orden and I’m going to be standing in for my good
friend, Dr. Mazzeo, while she’s out for her radical reconstructive
surgery. No need to worry, I’m sure
she’ll be all right, although when she returns to class, I’m not so sure you’re
going to want to think that much about food. Ha ha. She’ll be grotesque is my
point. On account of the surgery. Forget it.
Today we’re going to be speaking about the world’s most popular drink. That’s right, coffee. Well, I suppose tea might be more popular; there are a lot of Chinese. And yes, water, but that hardly qualifies. Coffee is damn popular, class, that’s what matters.
Its popularity stems from the many physiological benefits attributed to it – caffeine acts as a mild stimulant, while helping to curb hunger and trigger the bowels. Plus the bitter taste helps to mask the whiskey. Am I right or what, folks? Hey-oh!
Coffee has been consumed by man for hundreds, no thousands, of years.
Well, hundreds. Maybe about a thousand or so…a lot.
In any case, the history of coffee-drinking is a long and hallowed one.
No one knows quite when it began, but most beverage scholars agree: it
It's not as if it's the most intuitive brew to concoct. Coffee grows underground and are what we in the field call ‘tubers’. What’s that? Um. Ummmm. That’s right – I was testing you. Good job, Billy, you passed. I mean Andrew. Sorry, Stephanie. My memory isn’t quite what it used to be. The seventies really did a number on the old gray matter.
As Stephanie said, coffee beans are encased in a tough, silly looking
pod. There’s no evidence as to when,
why, or how those beans got into hot water. It's a tough nut to crack (pause for
I once saw one of those coffee pod things in real life and they are ug-ly. I for one know it’s not something I’d want to have the Dunkin Donuts man or Juan Valdez percolate for me. No sirree, Bob. No way. No thank you.
But some wise guy saw those beans and thought, ‘Hey, I’m thirsty, plus I’ve got these donuts’. So he ground them up, put them in his Mr. Coffee, and voila! And yes, Mr. Coffee came first. That’s probably where the idea came from to grind up the beans. Write that down. I thought of it.
So there you go class, the anthropology of coffee. That was pretty informative, if I do say so
myself, and we’ve finished a bit early. Fine, Billy, a lot early. Gah – Stephanie, right. Again, my apologies.
By CS Van Orden