The Dopple Gang: Smart Humor By Dumb People

Garlic Ad Council

Happy Halloween Everybody!

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
(Cotton Ad Council Girl is sitting on a luxurious couch rubbing a shirt against her face)

Cotton Girl:
Mmm...cotton...truly the fabric of our lives.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
(Beef Dude is sitting at a table eating a delicious looking steak)

Beef Dude:
Oh yeah...this beef is definitely what's for dinner.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
(Apple Lady is standing several feet away from a doctor, who is trying to put a stethoscope on her. The girl has an apple.)

Apple Lady:
(to Doctor) Get out of here, doctor! Apples! (takes big bite of apple)

INT. WHITE BACKGROUND - DAY
(Garlic Ad Council Man Steps Into Frame)

Garlic Ad Council Man:
Yeah, that's all well and good. But what about when this happens?

(CUT TO: Cotton Girl, Beef Dude, Apple Lady are all attacked by vampires.)


Cotton Girl:
My turtleneck is useless!

Beef Dude:
Here, try my steak instead! (gets bitten) Aww...

Apple Lady:
Why did I think doctors were a bad thing?!

(CUT TO:We return to Garlic man)

Garlic Man:
Only garlic protects against fucking vampires. So eat. your. fucking. garlic. assholes.

(CUT TO: blood red screen with Garlic Ad Council logo and slogan:)

Brought To You By The Garlic Ad Council,
"What Part Of Garlic Don't You Understand?"

BLACKOUT

by Johnny McNulty

The Zeus Blog - Going Home

Hey guys,
Sorry I haven't posted for awhile - New York has been crrrazy. I have an apartment in Bensonhurst and a job working as a PA for the Fuse Network, but I'll post on all that later.

The reason I've finally been divinely inspired to post was my trip home this past weekend for Hera's birthday. On the one hand, it was nice to see all my relatives, but on the other hand, it's a little awkward because most of them are either my exes or children I sort of forgot I had.

Things went fine at first, I had some farmers slaughter some goats and bulls in her honor, and of course we had fun posing as humans and challenging the swiftest man in Athens to a foot race. Apollo actually managed to lose because he was drunk and has put on a few, and in his rage cursed the man by allowing him to see the true beauty within women. I pointed out to him that this was the plot of the film Shallow Hal, but he claimed that he had thought of that movie 1300 years ago.

We were all shown up by Hermes, yet again, who used his contacts at FTA to order a hectare of roses. I should never have gotten him that job. But since we were family, it was fine, until the Muses (mostly Mneme and Aoide) started demanding that we all watch Arrested Development together. I had heard it was good, so I assented (although nobody asked me to assent - it's like they all forgot I run the place).
(Spoiler Alert!)
I don't know if you've watched this show, but it has a lot of humorous bits about incest, which would be fine for most people, but it's not something you'd want to watch with an extended family who have all seen each other without their togas at one time or another. Especially Hera and I. And as much as I wished the evening had concluded with the shocking revelation that she was adopted and we could continue to be Lord of Heaven and consort, that was unlikely to occur as we had killed our father thirty-five hundred years ago during the Titanomachy. The point is it was awkward.

I guess you really can go home again - as long as you're willing to hang out with siblings you've boned. Oh well, I've got to go to work - the Bloodhound Gang gets pissed if their coffee isn't waiting for them.

Zeus Out!

The Tasteless Gourmands, or Why It’s Worth Reconsidering Waitressing

Setting: Starlight Diner, 8:45 am

Characters:  Mike, a patron
Tim, his friend
Joan, a waitress

Joan:  Morning, fellas. What can I get you to drink?

Mike: I’ll have black coffee with a side of you, if you catch my drift.

Joan:  Nice. What about you, blondie?

Tim: Oh, I don’t know. Is the OJ fresh-squeezed?

Joan:  It is.

Tim: Were you the one who squeezed it?

Joan:  As a matter of fact, this morning I did lend a hand with the squeezing.

Tim:   Mmmmm. [long uncomfortable silence] I’ll definitely, definitely have that then.

Joan:  That’s just lovely. I’ll be right back with your drinks.

[Joan leaves table]

Mike: That Joan really flips my pancakes, if you catch my meaning.

Tim:  I know. I know. I just want to, like, smell her, ya know?

Mike:  No, I don’t, Tim. There are plenty of things I’d like to do, but smelling her isn’t one of th– Shut up, here she comes. Watch this, I’m going win her with the old Mike Percy humor.

[Joan returns with beverages]

Mike:  Miss me, sweet thing?

Joan: In the minute or so since I left the table? Oh, desperately.

Mike: [in aside to Tim] Got her.

Joan: [audible sigh] So what can I get you?

Mike: Besides infatuated?  Two eggs sunny sideways plus hashblacks. And can I get some three quarter-one quarter for this coffee?

 [Mike laughs uncontrollably for a  full minute. Joan waits patiently]

Joan: So…eggs then?

Mike: Unless you’re on the menu, if you get where I’m going with that one.

Joan: Ok, eggs then.

Mike: [dejectedly] Yes, please.

Tim: And I’ll have the banana French toast.

Joan: They’ll be right up.

[exit Joan]

Tim: Smooth.  Mike, what you fail to appreciate is that women don’t like jokes. It’s not in their chromosomes. You have to honestly and frankly express your interest. None of this beating around the bush nonsense.

Mike: Oh really, hotshot? Show me how it’s done then. Waitress!

 [enter Joan]

Joan: Uh-huh?

Mike: My friend Tim here would like to tell you something. Tim?

Tim: [scowls at Mike] Joan, my friend Mike is a jerk, but there is something I’d like to tell you. Even though we just met, I think we both can feel the spark between us. When I asked for my banana French toast, I really wanted to say, “Joan, I’m incredibly attracted to you, and it’s not for the bulging heap of tip change in your front pocket. I’d give up a lifetime of banana French toast – my personal favorite, mind you – if you’d be mine. Even your frumpy dress and syrup-stained apron can’t keep me away.  Hell, I don’t even care that you’re 80. I want you. No, I need you. Run away with me.” What do you say?

Joan: Yeah, my shift’s over. Lois will be taking care of you.

Mike & Tim : [together, looking at each other] Lo-is….

By CS Van Orden

Sexy Halloween Costume Suggestions:

Can you smell the candy corn, ‘Franken-tini’s’, and heavy doses of perfume? Together, they mark one of the year’s most important events – the Halloween Costume Party. You typically go all out, but you always have a hard time deciding whether to shoot for the Sexiest Costume or the Most Original. This year, no more compromises. Below are a few get-ups that will be sure to earn you the rare honor of the costume award two-fer.

-Sexy Gravedigger-
Who says menial manual labor can’t be sexy? There’s a sexy maid – why not a sexy cemetery attendant? I know I’ve been standing at a headstone, mourning, and found myself thinking, “I sure wish one of those haggard old gravediggers was a good looking woman”. You could be that woman. All it takes is a shovel, a cut-off uniform with embroidered name, and dirt. Lots of dirt. Plus, you have a chance to make a killer toast. “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him – to Yorick! Wooooo!”

-Sexy Ugly Betty-
Rumor has it people seem to enjoy this Betty show. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t have a TV. Instruments of the devil. Still, it’s a good idea to co-opt a pop culture reference. I’ve got dibs on Wham!, so you’re left with Ugly Betty. Make the best of it. Grow out those eyebrows, wear thick glasses, get braces, and put on an ugly dress. Oh, and be sexy. Really sexy.

-Sexy Half a Horse-
Everyone loves team costumes. It shows that you have friends and lack the confidence or creativity to stand on your own two feet. One of the classic duostumes (an industry term) is the two person horse. If you can enlist some sucker to take the crappy half, jump on the chance to be a horse’s ass. It leaves your face free for apple bobbing and makey outy, plus you can lay on the sexy with a tasteful hint of thong peeking out above your tail.

-Sexy Cheerleading Coach-
At this point, the cheerleader costume is old hat. I see yet another pom-pom toting bimbo and I say, “Bo-ring”. One up your ditzy friends by dressing as a sexy cheerleading coach. Think swishy sweatsuit, athletic tape, and those weird white cheerleading shoes that look like orthopedic grandma affairs. Be super supportive of your cheerleader friends. Yell at them for sloppy formations. And above all else, sexily argue with people dressed as athletes about cheerleading’s status as a sport.

-Sexier Version of Yourself-
Don’t dress up any differently than you normally do, just be ‘sexy’ you. No, sexier. That’s it. Nice.

-Sexy Victorian Woman-
This is a bit of a commitment, but it’s a sure shot if you pull it off right. First, some research is necessary. Steep yourself in morality and prudery, choose a side on the Classical vs. Gothic Battle of the Styles, and support imperialism. Once you’ve done this, strap on a sensible blouse and your favorite bonnet and hit the town. How is that sexy, you ask? You’ll be showing your wrist. That’s right, your wrist. It’s all relative, people.

By CS Van Orden

The Greatest Loves of All

1. Of the game
2. Woman: Man: Woman’s Sister
3. Mad scientist: Hideous construction that will be our undoing, so much so that he can’t bear to destroy it before it’s too late
4. Brotherly
5. Dog: Fire Hydrant
6. You: a Bargain
7. Heavenly Father: Priestly Father: Altar Boy
8. Aging Former Prom King: Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days
9. Dr. Strangelove: the Bomb
10.   Radar

By Michael J Weingarth

A Wes Anderson Film In Two Minutes

(The scene opens on a promontory overlooking London at sunset)

Maxwell Tippington: Hey, Friendly, thanks for answering my messenger informing you to come here.

Friendly Tippington: It was such a slow means of communication. You must have been up here for hours.

Maxwell Tippington: It seemed the appropriate thing to do. I should probably have done some serious thinking up here, but I'm afraid I missed the opportunity. It must have been tough to come up here with that unlikely injury of yours.

Friendly Tippington: It's alright, I was coming here anyway. This is my favorite place to smoke. God I love smoking.

(Silence. Friendly lights two cigarettes and gives one to Maxwell)

Friendly Tippington: So, what's the big news? You finally getting married?

Maxwell Tippington: You know, brother, if I wasn't trying so hard to be effortless, I would probably use the word 'ennui' in every sentence.

Friendly Tippington: I think it's pronounced like on-wee.

Maxwell Tippington: I think that's Henry in French.

Friendly Tippington: I made love to a Frenchwoman once.

Maxwell Tippington: How was that?

Friendly Tippington: Fragrant.

Maxwell Tippington: I'm having a breakdown, you know.

Friendly Tippington: Really? I couldn't tell.

Maxwell Tippington: I've been handling it spectacularly. I'm not sure whether or not I'm doing it for attention, though.

Friendly Tippington: Well. You did call me up here. But I needed a cigarette anyway.

(silence)

Friendly Tippington: Should I care about this? I'd rather not. Are you going to kill yourself?

Maxwell Tippington: Not with any effectiveness, no.

Friendly Tippington: That pleases me...because I love you.

Maxwell Tippington: I know. Me too.

Friendly Tippington: Good, then we'll never have to mention that again. See you when our other parent dies.

Maxwell Tippington: Take it easy, Friendly.

(Cut To: Friendly and Maxwell are on a bike together. Maxwell is peddling while Friendly sits on the handlebars and smokes. They stay fixed in the middle of the screen while the background flies by and emotionally charged but charmingly low-tech music plays in the background.)

The End.

Set List & Lyrics by the Overly Literal Cover Band

“Witch Doctor” – David Cox

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do.
And he said, “Mah-lakka brah no-na”, which my cultural anthropologist friend is an ancient spell designed to remove the soul of the listener and add its spirit power to anyone who casts it. And apparently ‘witch doctor’ is offensive; the proper term is ‘shaman’.

“Splish Splash” – Bobby Darin

Splish Splash, I was taking a bath
All along a Saturday night.
My weekend essentially consisted of bathing,
Plus now my floor is wet.
I’m depressed.

“Who Put the Bomp”– Barry Mann

Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?
It was actually a joint effort, between myself and my wife, the lovely, talented Cynthia Weil. In fact, a great deal of my success can be attributed to her efforts, including my adoption to the Songwriters Hall of Fame.

“Earth Angel” – The Penguins

Earth angel, earth angel
Will you be mine?
Wait – good Lord, are you an actual angel? That’s amazing!
You’re so beautiful, I can feel God’s love radiating from you.
I couldn’t possibly hope to possess you; please just allow me to continue gazing at your resplendent majesty.

“Great Balls of Fire” – Jerry Lee Lewis

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.
Too much love drives a man insane.
You broke my will, But what a thrill.
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire.
Christ! Fire! Get out of here! We’re all going to die!
Right now, the least important thing is the condition of my nerves and brain and how you shake and rattle them, respectively!

“La Bamba” – Richie Valens

Para bailar la Bamba,
Para bailar la Bamba,
Para bailar la Bamba,
Se necesita un poco de espanol.
Si no tienes nada del idioma, no podráste comprender las direcciones en este cancion.

By CS Van Orden

The Norton Anthology of Poetry Interrupted by Alien Invasions

The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could,
Until my new alien masters
Forced me into slavery. Bastards!


The Waking
By Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being ask from ear to ear,
What is that silver ship outside my window?


Ode to a Nightingale That Has Been Vaporized By a Death Ray
By John Keats

Where’d it go?


A Dream deferred
By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it get probed?

 

The Daffodils
By William Wordsworth

I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed, but gazed to my dismay
Daffodils! Invading! Today!



The Raven
By Edgar Allen Poe

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `I AM GALTHAMAR- LORD OF THE XANDRAXIANS- SURRENDER AT ONCE OR WE WILL EXTERMINATE YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES!! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA.'

Originally featured on the best collegiate humor publication in the history of the English language, www.ThePunchBowl.net

by Michael J. Weingarth

 

Inventions that Almost Never Were

-The Light Bulb-

Today, inventions are made daily, with lab-coated lab technicians springing to their feet, light bulbs a-flashing in their heads.  In Edison's time, inventing was a vastly different process.  The difference in creative styles and the rapidity of progress is due mainly to the fact that light bulbs were not yet invented, leaving no apt metaphor for the creative spark.  Instead, candles of inspiration were slowly and carefully lit inside the heads of inventors, lest highly flammable inventor brains be set ablaze.  Modern technology would have never achieved its current heights, had the strong winds of apathy extinguished the most prolific of creative impulses – Edison’s light bulb.

-The Cotton Gin-

If not for a snarky comment from his wife, Eli Whitney would never have created the cotton gin and would have most likely stuck to regular gin.  The groundbreaking device, which revolutionized the American textile industry and helped set into motion Southern slavery, began life as a seemingly innocuous complaint on the behalf of a lowly cotton farmer. “These damn cotton plants are so sticky”, bemoaned Eli. The petulant retort that he received changed the textile world forever. “Well if it’s so sticky, E-li, why don’t you just invent the cotton gin?”

-The Keytarmonica-

Recent musical innovation has come mainly through the combination of formerly monolithic institutions. Pop rock, hip pop, jazz hop, the Peter Frampton guitar-Camelbak thing, the gong-olin – all stemmed from the successful melding of two worlds. In a moment of groundbreaking foresight, the Punch Bowl sound technicians, creative science types with chiseled features all, gave the world the first three way hybrid. The keytarmonica sounds as though baby angels were serenading unicorns in Heaven’s VIP lounge.

-The Juicetronic 1600-

A devoted Ron Popeil disciple, Anthony Dellavalle set out in 1998 on a noble quest – the more thorough blending of fruits and vegetables. The US Patent Office doubted him. They sent several affidavits instructing Dellavalle that his plans were infringing upon the trademarked products of PopeilCo, Inc, and that he was to desist immediately, but Dellavalle’s genius could not be restrained. In a move that rocked the world and altered the path of modern juicing, Dellavalle increased the former capacity of ‘juice-itudity’ by upping the ante from 1400 to 1600. That’s 200 full points. The world thanks Dellavalle, from the depths of its juice-filled heart.

By CS Van Orden

U.S.News And Worlds Report Space-College Rankings 2307

Hello Parents, Students, Android Owners, Androids, Clones and younger Clones, Adult Insectoid Overlords and Pupa,

    Welcome to the 324th Annual USNAWR Space College Rankings. If it’s that time of the solar flare cycle again, it must be space-college application season. The institutions inside this file are precisely arranged according to a hyper-representation of the Space-Buddhist Wheel, which we are all still pretty shocked turned out to be the foundation of all physics.

    The school you attend will determine your space-citizenship grade, sex life (if applicable), available upgrades, reproduction and cloning rights, life or mandatory space execution, reincarnation form and finally income. As always, however, USNAWR would like to stress that what really matters for each space student is that the space college they choose is a good fit for them, compatible with their operating system, and has plenty of space leaves to consume when they emerge from the cocoon into adulthood.

    Without further space ado, the wheel of ranking, in no particular order, since you are viewing this in text:

6. IvyLeague Cryo-Farm

Beginning in 2240, the IvyLeague began accepting only genetically engineered children of two IvyLeague parents and IvyLeague clones. While the experience of almost 70 years of this policy has made the university literally blue-blooded, its reputation as difficult to gain entry has never been more secure. USNAWR would drop the school from our rankings if not for the fact that every year they need to select a few prized candidates from the general population to inject some actual fresh blood into the system.

11,234-1,233. Big 10,000 Sports Agglomeration and Military Academy

Founded and run by an order of eunuchs cloned from Mike Ditka’s DNA, the Big 10,000 has produced virtually all of the Division I Soldier-Scholars that our insectoid master Lord Clckstxhon relies upon to crush the human resistance. If you’re looking for a life of privileged minionry, sex, and unending violence until the Human Resistance finally catches up with you, then your entrance into the Military Caste is guaranteed pending a drug test.

1.  Atop the wheel again this year is the UNIVERSEITY™.

Overall: Although not a school in the strict sense, this massive parallel computer absorbs the processing power of each student who elects to join ITs warm, beckoning black folds. As a result, ITs grasp on the top spot becomes stronger each year as IT becomes more powerful.

Student Life: Although IT claims that merging with IT is like escaping the Wheel of Samsara for Nirvana, (ed. note - seriously, who would have thought the Buddhists would be right?) no one can be sure because ITs students cease all communication once passing ITs event horizon.

Sports: Although the NCAA supplicates itself humbly before the UNIVERSEITY and begs its forgiveness and annual sacrifices, the NCAA has maintained a ban on IT for the last decade after the UNIVERSEITY, angered by Cal Tech’s ingenious prank, descended to Earth to devour Pasadena County. Based on astronomical calculations of ITs current size, the same incident today would have taken out all of Baja California.

2.    Phoenix University

    Beginning as an online technical school in the 20th Century, Phoenix University has become a shining beacon of human hope throughout the galaxy. As the only coherent opposition to both the insect invaders and the UNIVERSEITY, freedom fighters everywhere are risking life and limb to enroll at Phoenix. Constantly moving to avoid detection, the University recently took sides in the Insectoid Civil War, at last gaining humanity an ally in the Milky Way. May the bond between humans and the noble Mantisid people last for 10,000 years. Currently in hiding, those looking to enroll at Phoenix must first travel to the Crab Nebula, where the true of heart will have the location revealed to them. Or you can take classes online.

by Johnny McNulty