On Yom Kippur, some of my family would fast. I never did, so one year I decided to rub it
in their face and slow.
Mr. Clean should have an arch nemesis. Dr. Dirty.
When news breaks, who fixes it?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but they probably used some asphalt to make it smoother.
I told my friends my birthday was on opposite day. I wound up getting a pencil duller, shoe scuff, and a bottle Dr. Dirty.
I have two identical Siamese cats who are deathly afraid of their own reflection. I had to get rid of one of them, but it wasn’t as entertaining so I just covered the house in mirrors.
I got rid of the cats though, I got a dog. I got a Douschound, one of those little wiener
dogs. But I spray-painted him a
different color each day. My neighbors
would say, what happened to your dog, and I’d say nothing, go get your eyes
checked. I was an ophthalmologist at the
time. I was the first millionaire
My friend used to tell me that his brain hurt when he thought about physics. I told him to stop hitting himself with a hammer during physics class.
I once went into a mall and switched around all those “You
are here signs”. I was walking around
after and got arrested. I was the lone suspect because I was the only person
who knew where I was going. You probably
would’ve heard about it except the news broke that night.
I like supermarkets. I used to hang out there and rearrange the detergents so they had high Tide and low Tide.
When you go cow tipping, do you leave 15 or 20%?
Someone told me rap was so successful because it’s mostly freestyle. I guess swimming was ahead of its time.
My fourth grade teacher told me I was impatient with stupid
people four times. He had to keep
telling me because I wasn’t paying attention after the first few words.
I met a girl named Summer who lived in
My cousin’s wife played catcher for her high school softball
team. She’s now a midwife.
I got bored once so I bought a Dalmatian and connected the dots.
Studies have shown that 65% of all children who grew up eating alpha-bits cereal have grown up to be number crunchers.
by Michael J. Weingarth
NOTE: These jokes are so stupid that I'm sure someone way more talented than me has already told them, so if I've stepped on anyone's toes, my apologies, let me know who wrote it and I'll tag them on here so credit is given where credit is due, for really lame, stupid jokes.