Setting: Starlight Diner, 8:45 am
Characters: Mike, a patron
Tim, his friend
Joan, a waitress
Joan: Morning, fellas. What can I get you to drink?
Mike: I’ll have black coffee with a side of you, if you catch my drift.
Joan: Nice. What about you, blondie?
Tim: Oh, I don’t know. Is the OJ fresh-squeezed?
Joan: It is.
Tim: Were you the one who squeezed it?
Joan: As a matter of fact, this morning I did lend a hand with the squeezing.
Tim: Mmmmm. [long uncomfortable silence] I’ll definitely, definitely have that then.
Joan: That’s just lovely. I’ll be right back with your drinks.
[Joan leaves table]
Mike: That Joan really flips my pancakes, if you catch my meaning.
Tim: I know. I know. I just want to, like, smell her, ya know?
Mike: No, I don’t, Tim. There are plenty of things I’d like to do, but smelling her isn’t one of th– Shut up, here she comes. Watch this, I’m going win her with the old Mike Percy humor.
[Joan returns with beverages]
Mike: Miss me, sweet thing?
Joan: In the minute or so since I left the table? Oh, desperately.
Mike: [in aside to Tim] Got her.
Joan: [audible sigh] So what can I get you?
Mike: Besides infatuated? Two eggs sunny sideways plus hashblacks. And can I get some three quarter-one quarter for this coffee?
[Mike laughs uncontrollably for a full minute. Joan waits patiently]
Joan: So…eggs then?
Mike: Unless you’re on the menu, if you get where I’m going with that one.
Joan: Ok, eggs then.
Mike: [dejectedly] Yes, please.
Tim: And I’ll have the banana French toast.
Joan: They’ll be right up.
Tim: Smooth. Mike, what you fail to appreciate is that women don’t like jokes. It’s not in their chromosomes. You have to honestly and frankly express your interest. None of this beating around the bush nonsense.
Mike: Oh really, hotshot? Show me how it’s done then. Waitress!
Mike: My friend Tim here would like to tell you something. Tim?
Tim: [scowls at Mike] Joan, my friend Mike is a jerk, but there is something I’d like to tell you. Even though we just met, I think we both can feel the spark between us. When I asked for my banana French toast, I really wanted to say, “Joan, I’m incredibly attracted to you, and it’s not for the bulging heap of tip change in your front pocket. I’d give up a lifetime of banana French toast – my personal favorite, mind you – if you’d be mine. Even your frumpy dress and syrup-stained apron can’t keep me away. Hell, I don’t even care that you’re 80. I want you. No, I need you. Run away with me.” What do you say?
Joan: Yeah, my shift’s over. Lois will be taking care of you.
Mike & Tim : [together, looking at each other] Lo-is….
By CS Van Orden