Hello Parents, Students, Android Owners, Androids, Clones and younger Clones, Adult Insectoid Overlords and Pupa,
Welcome to the 324th Annual USNAWR Space College Rankings. If it’s that time of the solar flare cycle again, it must be space-college application season. The institutions inside this file are precisely arranged according to a hyper-representation of the Space-Buddhist Wheel, which we are all still pretty shocked turned out to be the foundation of all physics.
The school you attend will determine your space-citizenship grade, sex life (if applicable), available upgrades, reproduction and cloning rights, life or mandatory space execution, reincarnation form and finally income. As always, however, USNAWR would like to stress that what really matters for each space student is that the space college they choose is a good fit for them, compatible with their operating system, and has plenty of space leaves to consume when they emerge from the cocoon into adulthood.
Without further space ado, the wheel of ranking, in no particular order, since you are viewing this in text:
6. IvyLeague Cryo-Farm
Beginning in 2240, the IvyLeague began accepting only genetically engineered children of two IvyLeague parents and IvyLeague clones. While the experience of almost 70 years of this policy has made the university literally blue-blooded, its reputation as difficult to gain entry has never been more secure. USNAWR would drop the school from our rankings if not for the fact that every year they need to select a few prized candidates from the general population to inject some actual fresh blood into the system.
11,234-1,233. Big 10,000 Sports Agglomeration and Military Academy
Founded and run by an order of eunuchs cloned from Mike Ditka’s DNA, the Big 10,000 has produced virtually all of the Division I Soldier-Scholars that our insectoid master Lord Clckstxhon relies upon to crush the human resistance. If you’re looking for a life of privileged minionry, sex, and unending violence until the Human Resistance finally catches up with you, then your entrance into the Military Caste is guaranteed pending a drug test.
1. Atop the wheel again this year is the UNIVERSEITY™.
Overall: Although not a school in the strict sense, this massive parallel computer absorbs the processing power of each student who elects to join ITs warm, beckoning black folds. As a result, ITs grasp on the top spot becomes stronger each year as IT becomes more powerful.
Student Life: Although IT claims that merging with IT is like escaping the Wheel of Samsara for Nirvana, (ed. note - seriously, who would have thought the Buddhists would be right?) no one can be sure because ITs students cease all communication once passing ITs event horizon.
Sports: Although the NCAA supplicates itself humbly before the UNIVERSEITY and begs its forgiveness and annual sacrifices, the NCAA has maintained a ban on IT for the last decade after the UNIVERSEITY, angered by Cal Tech’s ingenious prank, descended to Earth to devour Pasadena County. Based on astronomical calculations of ITs current size, the same incident today would have taken out all of Baja California.
2. Phoenix University
Beginning as an online technical school in the 20th Century, Phoenix University has become a shining beacon of human hope throughout the galaxy. As the only coherent opposition to both the insect invaders and the UNIVERSEITY, freedom fighters everywhere are risking life and limb to enroll at Phoenix. Constantly moving to avoid detection, the University recently took sides in the Insectoid Civil War, at last gaining humanity an ally in the Milky Way. May the bond between humans and the noble Mantisid people last for 10,000 years. Currently in hiding, those looking to enroll at Phoenix must first travel to the Crab Nebula, where the true of heart will have the location revealed to them. Or you can take classes online.
by Johnny McNulty