Chapter I - Be 17, Regardless
Whether you're a seventeen-year-old boy figuring out how to turn eighteen and go to college, or a 29-year-old actor still trying to turn eighteen and grow a goatee, being Justin Long is inseparable from that stammering, terrified "a pretty girl just looked at me and I'm about to cream my pants" demeanor. Some steps that can be taken to help this:
- Be every girl's best friend, but only sputter out your love for her on the off chance that you get a chance to save her from bullies, and she's helping you up from your wedgie/bicycle crash/blowing Bruce Willis.
- Be beaten up every day, but don't take a stand for yourself. Ladies love the "turning the other cheek" if you know what I mean. No? That's because it doesn't work, except with Justin Long.
Chapter X - Telling Your Parents You're A Mac
You've known for a long time that you were attracted to clean graphics, DIY music and film, and outdated copies of Microsoft Office. You knew this was for you even if that meant that you could only select from a narrow range of compatible programs and video-games. Of course, try telling this to Mr. and Mrs. Long, rock-rib PC users from upstate New York, the home of IBM. Mr. Long had an ENIAC poster on his wall during college, and Mrs. Long voted for her TRS-80 for president in 1980, 1984, and 1988, despite the fact that by then most people had switched to the far more advanced PS/2 systems and computers are not (yet!) eligible for the presidency. Try to be kind about it: point out your strengths, especially in the field of media where you work. Don't point out that maybe if you were a Mac, Dad, you wouldn't crash so quickly and Mom wouldn't have to go to Norton to get her fix!!! OH YEAH, WELL MY BEING A MAC MADE ME MORE MONEY THAN YOU DID IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE, OLD MAN!!!! Ok. So that didn't go so well.
Chapter XXII - Kill Shia LeBouf
There can be only one. Before you know it, he'll be pal-ing around with Jonah Hill just like you used to do, asking if there are any good roles in the next Judd Apatow film. What does he think, that you worked at being the fresh-faced new kid on the block for 10 years just to let it slip away like that? What's that? Transformers did better than Live Free or Die Hard? By a lot!? This has to be stopped now, before he can host Saturday Night Live. He already did!? Kill him. KILL HIM NOW.
by Johnny McNulty