It’s a brand new year, and it’s time to ring it in with a six hour open bar for only 80 dollars! Food and drinks, all night, and the best karaoke in town, at Every Bar! Down the street, or across town, it’s the best night of the year at Every Bar. Tons of your co-workers, or your friends, or some strangers will be there, partying it up in 2008 at Every Bar!
Did we mention the Every Bar Girls? Our signature Short-Shorts-Shot-Girls will be trying to say short-shorts-shot-girls all night long, and most likely failing, because they’re my sister’s daughter’s friends and none of ‘em are too bright! But that’s just how it is, at Every Bar! Come watch as your local police district gets shithoused and sings a ton of Irish songs, even though most of them are fifth generation and are probably more German or Italian than Irish! Witness teachers and nurses seek decent men, and find solace in maneuvering, overpaid young professionals who wore suits out…to a fuckin’ bar! Someone will undoubtedly get jealous and want to beat those jokers up- and it may as well be you, at Every Bar, for New Year’s Eve!
Did I mention the food? Generic, greasy fries and burgers! Fish and chips! Regional cuisine that no one cares about! And don’t forget our signature Award-“Winging” Every Bar Hot Wings! You simply can’t get enough of these wings! Unlimited wings and beer, for only 80 dollars! Watch the ball drop as you slowly pull your face out of that pile of delicious, tender wings that you wished was actually the Short-Shorts-Shot-Girls tastefully matted nether region. Instead, slowly paw your way along a wall and make it to the bathroom, where you will wash your hands sixteen times and STILL HAVE OUR HOT SAUCE STUCK ON YOU! You can’t get away from the taste of these wings!
The longest all-wood bar of its size, in your county, will be full of flaming shots! Don’t feel like tipping? You’ll undoubtedly be taught a harsh lesson, after you buy six shots of something incredibly girly shots for your douchebag friends who can’t put down whiskey like real men! Watch as the bartender doesn’t serve you for a whole hour and those guys in the suits, with their never-ending supply of gin-and-tonics, have already auto-graphed the signature Short-Shorts-Shot-Girls’ perky breasts with our signature Award-Winging Hot Wings! They wrote their name in hot sauce, which will probably cause third-degree burns, and you have to stand there and watch, all too sober because you didn’t want to part with a fiver! And you even had a good reason this time- it was 80 bucks for the door before tip, and now you’re gonna spend upwards of a hundred just to get the booze they claimed was free!
And in case that’s not enough- Dancing! We have a really annoying white DJ with hair that may or may not look cool who loves to tell people it's time to get the party started. And did we mention Axe Body Spray? We have so much Axe Body Spray on the dance floor that we can’t keep track of all of the guys who probably read Maxim in here. And there’s hair-gel, as well, along with a few fake tans, goofy facial hair, and a boatload of thinly-veiled insecurities- ALL NIGHT LONG! After every hip-hop song that has a real beat, we’ll play some crappy 80s song and you can reminisce about how you weren’t old enough to remember this song when you were 5, when it came out. But the girls at Every Bar love to dance! In fact, they’re in a circle and won’t let you make out with their drunk and slutty friends! Their flawed logic, that holding out will make them more desirable, is infuriating and drives you insane with rage, but the only thing you can do is try to pick up other girls! So you better man up, do some shots, and get out there, broski? Oh you don’t like being called broski, broski?
Well, take it outside, at our signature “You’re Drunk and We’re Calling the Cops” alley, where countless really girly fights have taken place. Watch as Overly-Aggressive-Steroid Freak picks a fight with Not-From-Around-Here, or enjoy countless dry-wretches from Too-Old-To-Be-Drinking-That-Hard. Get calmed down by our signature Kind-of-Hot-Hostess, who claims she’s concerned for your well-being, but is really there just to keep you from coming back inside before the five-o picks your ass up for drunk and disorderly! Bail is $300 for the night, unless you wanna stay in the tank with the drunks, but it’s only $80 for unlimited, wings, girls, beer, and fun, at Every Bar, this New Year’s Eve!
by an award-winging Michael J. Weingarth