Alright, Tom, it’s time we had a talk. You’ve been sitting here for a week, complaining that you “need a doctor”, and frankly, I’m sick of it. We’re all sick of it. And we think you’ve been going about this entirely wrong. We, your roommates, have decided that you are most likely suffering from a chemical imbalance which is causing you to be clinically depressed.
Let’s look at the symptoms. First off, you sleep all day, every day, as if you’re recovering from hideous wound suffered at the hands of a large mammal. Secondly, you claim you’re having nightmares about a rabid bear attacking you when you went camping last weekend. Personally, I think that your metaphorical “bear” is just your job, and you’ve grown quite tired of working in advertising sales. You’re always complaining that you never have time to travel-well now’s your chance! You’re young, you should get off your ass and go for it. Maybe become a travel writer, I don’t know. Anything’s better than sitting there, foaming at the mouth, Tom.
Third, there’s that “rabies test” you had us do. Did you know that depression is the second leading cause of rabies in young people, Tom? I’m sure you’re going to ignore that, and- wait a minute, what are you doing? You’re getting up! That’s great Tom, I’m glad we’ve made a diff-hold on, hey, easy on the hugs there, big fella. Okay, take it easy. I can’t hear what you’re saying, it’s like you have lockjaw or something. What? Oh god, dude, stop trying to give me a hickey-OW! Jesus, Tom! HEY GREG, GET IN HERE! TOM’S TRYING TO MAKE OUT WITH ME!
Jesus, Tom. I think you drew blood. Look, dude, if you’re having some weird feelings about guys, maybe it’s time you came to terms with it. Did you know that depression is the second leading cause of homosexual leanings in young people? Well look, Tom, I don’t think just that acting on these urges in a crazed manner, with dilated, blood-shot eyes and a crazed look on your face is any sort of mature solution. You seriously need to consider the fact that maybe you weren’t attacked by a rabid bear, and that maybe you are just depressed. It’s okay, Tom. Everyone needs therapy. It’s not like you’re the only one. Alright, I feel a little woozy. I’m gonna go lay down for a spell. I hope you can come to terms with his and win the fight, Tom. Oh that’s mature, just roll over and pretend you’re dead. Fine, Tom, deal with this on your own.
By a crazed, lock-jawed Michael J. Weingarth