Mom’s Single and Things are Going to be Different Around Here, Son

          Son, I’ve got some news. You see, mom and I, although we’ve been divorced, haven’t been really dating other people. What? No, dating is when you get to know someone before you get involved seriously with them. Well, at least that’s how some of us would date. But that’s what I’m trying to tell you, son. Your mom is single again, which is going to mean you’ll be seeing some strange things, and you shouldn’t be scared at all.

          See, dating is a natural part of the weeding out process. Well, again, that’s only if you’ve still got respect for yourself. Mom, well, she really enjoys the physical aspects of a relationship, so you’ll probably be seeing some really younger guys running around the house a few times per week for the next month or so. After she wears herself out, she’ll probably just start with Frederico, the guy who cuts the grass, or maybe the Fed-ex man and they’ll be over at the house on a regular basis. Knowing her, probably every Tuesday. She already talks to the Fed-ex guy? Well, that’s what we call “flirting”, in the adult world, son. Yes, you should always assume that when two people of the opposite sex are talking, they’re “flirting.” When you combine flirting and a lot of alcohol, you get something called “a one-night stand” and possibly something called “Chlamydia”. Don’t worry about that, though, no girls your age have it yet. And they won’t, probably at least until they’re 14. This isn’t New York…thank God for that.

          Well, if any of these guys start trying to act like they’re your dad, all you have to do is say, “My daddy is a rich lawyer, who used to be the head of a prison gang,” and they’ll stop talking to you for a while. I know it’s not true, son, but you can’t say, “My dad is the regional sales director for a luxury car company,” and expect some 26 year old your mom just nailed to be intimidated. He’s 26, for god’s sake, he doesn’t even know what fear is yet. Wait until he starts losing his hair- or until she starts cutting into him about all those wet towels on the bed, jesus, what a reason for a divorce! What? No, don’t worry about all that, son. Just remember the prison line.

           After she’s done with the studs, she’ll move onto the well-to-do older men, who have too much money and nothing to do with it except try to buy sex. You see, son, older men are undesirable in many ways- they’re not as physically fit, they’re boring at times, they have a hard time not leaving wet towels on the bed, and this causes women to look at younger men in a different way. So older men have to do things to make girls desire them- yes, just like Daddy and the Dodge Viper. And what about Daddy and the Rolex? That’s right, high five! So my point is, you can expect a lot of great Christmas presents once one of these older guys steps in, because they’ll try to buy your love, which is almost as important as trying to earn it.

          But no matter what, son, you should remember that adults do these kinds of things to get by, and there’s nothing wrong with your mother shtupping a few gym-rats before she becomes a gold-digger and whores herself out for stability in her later years. Adults look at life much differently than you, and a lot of them claim to miss being able to be a kid. Probably because their wives leave them at the height of their career so they can stumble awkwardly around the upper-middle class dating scene only to miss the simple companionship and peacefulness of married life. See, when you’re a kid, you don’t really have anything to compare anything to, so life’s just one grand novelty-that’s something new which you have never experienced before-yeah, just like laser tag.

          Look, just don’t let any of them call you son, okay? You say, “I have a dad,” and if they give you that “daddy went away for a long time” spiel your mom likes to use for sympathy, you just say “Mommy left daddy because she couldn’t just ask him nicely not to leave wet towels on the bed, and had to make a melodramatic speech in front of the in-laws instead”, and that should teach them a thing or two about sleeping with my wife. What? I know it’s a little long. Just stick with the prison line for now, and we’ll work on it next week after your football game. What? Well, I don’t really care if the Fex-ex guy was invited, I’ll be there anyway. Maybe with a few 26 year olds on my own. That’s exactly right, song- because Daddy drives the Viper and girls are shallow. See, I knew you’d catch on.

 

  By a 26 year old Michael J. Weingarth