The Dopple Gang: Smart Humor By Dumb People

Our Current Level of Game Expenditure is Not Sustainable

      Thank you all for coming.  I've brought you all here today to discuss what has now become an urgent and pressing danger to our environment.  As of today, December 18, 2007, we are in danger of a global catastrophe.  Recent studies have shown that "game" levels are nearing depletion.  Gentlemen- if we don't stop mackin' on bitches, we will run out of game by 2010, causing a world-wide crisis as smokin' hot babes run rampant, exhausting all of the world's supply of low-carb snack bars and elliptical exercise machines. The Kyoto protocol, which states that Japanese girls think American men are desirable, currently caps game at 2-4  chicks per bro per annum.  Our current game expenditures are currently 7-10 chicks per bro.  This is largely due to a number of parties dropping below the "Brown Paper Bag" line, a standard established by the Fugly v. Drunk ruling of 1927.  The Butterface party, a strong community of horny people lobbying against the ruling for decades, has attempted, through control of the media, to dismantle claims about global gaming, and have sought largely to continue expenditures of game at alarming rates, especially in emerging markets, where game is being discovered for the first time in communities formerly restricted to running game on goats, and/or prostitutes.  Look, it's basically just like global warming, except with bigger boobs.

The short-term solution, obviously, is to encourage alternative sources of game, such as being a musician, being famous, or having lots of money.  Experimental game solutions, such as "loser-game", where a man wears girl jeans and likes "emo" music, are not sustainable solution, merely a disguised effort to get laid, and thusly still qualifies as "game", despite however pathetic and troubling they may appear to be.  To avert the crisis, we must ration all these ass-getting efforts immediately and promote natural sources of attraction, such as having a personality, not being ugly, or actually being interesting.  Dressing well, as simple as it sounds, can dramatically increase attractiveness without actually emitting "game".  However, we should be careful- dressing too well will lead invariably to "Tom Brady" syndrome, in which a man in a naturally game-emitting position expends a catastrophic amount of game by dressing like a foppish dandy, causing irreparable damage to the babe supply. Brady himself has already plowed through two mad hot bitches, and will proceed to exhaust our game supply if he continues on this relentless pace to rail respectable, if not admirable, pussy.

    Some of you won’t listen.  Some of you will continue to mack it and smack it, but you will remember my words when one day, maybe the day after tomorrow, you look at the polar ice-caps and they’re just covered in miles of sausage.  Your job, your bars, your wife-all sausage, all the time. You’ve been warned. Thank you for your time.

By an unsustainable Michael J. Weingarth

My Indie Manifesto

I don’t really have a word for how to describe what this is, and so like, manifesto is the closest thing, but it’s close to a manifesto-just you know, different.  Anyway, I’m indie, and by that, I mean I’m a little bit of things that people might’ve called “normal” back in the 70s, but more updated for the modern age without the connotations of “the 70s”.  So I look like I’m from the “70s”-actually let’s not call it the 70s anymore, because that’s just someone else’s way of thinking about it and this is my indie manifesto.  I guess that makes me the manifestor-sounds like a super hero, no?

            Anyway, so I’m totally indie, and I like this type of music, and maybe even a “lifestyle” that can be labeled as indie, too.  But the point is both the bands I like and the indie lifestyle are “indie”, which is short for independent, as in, unsigned, and totally outside the corporate world, which means I’m really cool for being so markedly un-marketed and telling everyone about it.  And I like to describe things that follow that set of aesthetics as “indie” because they’re not labeled by those stupid genres everyone has to use.  “Metal-core” or “third-wave SoCal ska-punk” just sounds so silly, and when you say something’s “indie”, it could be anything- like two guys with two harmoniums crying while watching Oprah, or a bunch of guys with beards jamming out to stoner rock and crying while watching Oprah.  As a word, even, “indie” is totally more open-ended and freer than other non-indie words.

            But that’s why I’m here- to tell you why being “indie” is so cool, and why all of my favorite bands can both have major record label deals and be “indie”.  Most people don’t think you can stay true to the artistic and creative pressures of being really, really different than everyone else and totally like, similar to some things but different than others, and still have a major record label.  And they’re totally right- it is so hard to be “indie”, to walk that fine line between re-hashing the past and being unsigned is a never-ending challenge.  This is why most “indie” acts suddenly sound like other bands once they’re signed, and not before.  Or because I’m a douchebag with shaggy hair.  Actually, I’m going to have to stop writing this because I don’t really care about being “indie” enough to codify it, and caring about details is so un-indie anyway.

   

By Michael J. Weingarth

What Turkeys are Doing After the Genocide

1.  Wearing a tuxedo, acting like a penguin.

2.  Writing articles for the Times about the slaughter, hoping Bono reads it
3.  Moving to Turkey

4.  Trying to develop a taste for humans in order to move up the food chain

5.  Raising Bob and Jill’s little baby turkey, like they promised they would if anything ever happened

6.  Living in constant fear and uncertainty

7.  Learning to paint- it’s just something they’ve always wanted to do and life’s short enough as it is, you know?

8.  Waiting in the freezer until Christmas.

by Michael J. Weingarth

We're Back!

Due to prolonged difficulties with the writers’ guild and writers’ strike, we at the Dopple Gang are now officially crossing the strike line.  That’s right- we’re going back to work.

Since we’re self-employed, naturally we’re not going to let ourselves be bossed around by each other.  We’ve won important victories for the creative guys, and rest assured management won’t be coming around here and forcing those late nights without overtime anymore!  Take that, us! 

Of course, the downside of this is that we now are unionized for protection against ourselves, which is going to really take a huge toll on both sides in terms of legal fees, and we can't really afford taht financially, since we don't really make any money.  With any luck, the producers will attempt informal negotiations from now on and we’ll never have to prevent ourselves from working for ourselves ever again- and if we weren't so stubborn in the first place, maybe this would never have happened.

But now that we’re back, enjoy the updates.