As we descend further and further into the 21st, and most likely last, century, our collective bar for what needs to be brought to our attention continues its perpetual freefall, aided by the behavior of those in the news. Here are some probable news clips from the Nov 20, 2014.
BILL CLINTON TO SIRE HEIR
Freed from the "cold, flaccinating grip" of his former wife, Hillary, former President Clinton is to begin a nationwide tour seeking vessels to continue his bloodline with a male heir. "I hate to break out this old chestnut," said Clinton "but I would like to have sexual relations with this, that, or any woman. The more Bill Jr's there are out there, the more chances there will be for future generations to have a leader who can feel future America's pain." Although some Democratic strategists worry the predicted competition between the Clinton-spawn will alienate voters in the future, other pundits are pointing to the nearly endless supply of Romney children as possible foils, not to mention this week's revelation that Karl Rove has been reproducing asexually in a New Mexico cave...
BRITNEY SPEARS IS READING THIS ARTICLE RIGHT NOW
Sources extremely, physically close to former parent and pop star Britney Spears say she is actually reading this article as we speak, or read, so to speak. Currently located deep within her secret base on the Moon, in a posh section of the lunar core where she hobnobs with such luminaries as Tom Cruise, Posh Beckham and Michael Bloomberg, it is reported that she came upon the article at random, but was drawn to it by the mention of her name in the previous title, "BRITNEY SPEARS ALMOST HERE..." Although the diva has no memory of her previous name or life, those in charge of maintaining her claim she always reacts to the name with curiosity, but never knows why. This confusion is likely due to Ms. Spears' incident last spring, when she crashed her Lunar Buggy while holding her latest infant in front of her face to shield her eyes from the sun. Ms. Spears was left exposed to the vacuum for several minutes, and suffered total amnesia as well as a loss of motor and speech functions. Meanwhile, her baby, Baby Spears (since taken by Tom Cruise into super-secret custody) has signed a multi-million dollar deal with NickSpace to produce a series about a sassy space baby with radiation poisoning. Ms. Spears is still expected to go on tour next month...
NFL PENALIZES 3RD PLAYER FOR ON-FIELD SHOOTING IN WEEK
In a shocking development which saddened the hearts of many true sports fans, All-Star receiver and crowd favorite Derek "I Shoot People" Michaels of the Indianapolis Colts unexpectedly pulled a pistol out of his uniform and shot Rams cornerback Ted "I'll Shoot You If You Don't Kill Me First" Johnson, who was reaching for an interception. Michaels successfully caught the pass with the pistol in his hand and proceeded unopposed to the endzone, due to his superior speed and obvious weaponry. Although unsure of what penalty to hand down to first-time offender Michaels, sources indicate at least a three game suspension. NFL fields have been outside U.S. legal jurisdiction since 2010. This marks the latest in a series of on-field shootings in the NFL this week, beginning with Omar "On November 16th, 2014, I Will Shoot Someone During An NFL Game" Jackson's shocking attack and Richard "Screw Guns, I Have A Bomb Strapped To My Chest" Lauriot's opening fire on the offensive line of the New York Giants. Which, actually, most people were relieved was all he did...
News Below Your Threshold (-5 gay): DIEBOLD TO CONSIDER HOLDING ANOTHER ELECTION IN 2016
AMERICA STILL GIVES A SHIT ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL
MEN NAMED JACK BAUER NOW GOVERNING 29 STATES
by Johnny McNulty