I realize it’s hard to accept, Bill, but you’ve got to realize that there’s more at stake here than your $42,000 salary and complete health and dental coverage. You see, years ago, the Zilandrians put in place a program that would search out the man who had the best skills fit for commanding the Intergalactic Armada, and, by disguising this program as an entry-level position at a financial services firm, allow us to find our savior. And you, Bill, you are that man. No, it’s exactly like the Last Starfighter. That’s where we got the idea.
But that’s just my point- only a man with your kind of resolve and natural ability to manually replace data after your boss tells you to “fudge the numbers” with such middling gusto is exactly what this army needs. We need a commander who takes an hour and ten minute lunch and resents the fact that his degrees in history and economics are being completely wasted- that kind of “can-do, sorta” attitude is what inspires Zilandrians the most! You see, Bill, your fledging patience and short temper with the two 27 year olds who tell you to do their work is almost identically analogous to the story of Zilandrone I, king of Zilandria, who trounced his two 27 year old older brothers and brought peace to the realm. I realize it’s unlikely, Bill, but you have to understand- we’ve waiting for someone as average as you for centuries.
All of our military systems are based on applications from your office. The way that you email 47 different clients a form letter is exactly how you will give direct orders to your lieutenants. The painstaking process of creating custom power-point slides is exactly how you arm and fire our Zilandrostosic Torpedos, and the way you ask your boss or vacation is precisely how we pray to the Zilandros, the gods above who watch over us and protect us from the chain emails of Tulfarnok, the nearest star system, full of over-achieving and efficient office workers. You see Bill, you are the embodiment of a people who could have done much better, and did not, and then blamed it on their neighbors. We need your help to survive, and if it’s not you, Bill, then, well, I guess we’ll probably take the next guy kind of like you- over-qualified and pathetically un-challenged. But still, we’d really like it to be you. Well, at least think about it. We need exactly your skills, or something similar to them, or at least familiarity with excel. Did I mention that making an Excel pivot table is how we procreate? Like I said, you were born for this, Bill.
By Michael J. Weingarth