The Dopple Gang: Smart Humor By Dumb People

Patriotic Songs Re-Worked For the Modern Age

The Yankee Doodle Boy

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,
But I also retain my cultural heritage from my parents' nation of choice,
Because that's our right as Americans, even though they may not be current citizens.

You're a Grand Old Flag

You're a grand old flag,
You're a high-flying flag,
And forever in peace may you wave.
You're the emblem of
The land I love,
So fuck Puerto Rico. Fifty stars is a nice round number,
and it's hard enough to memorize all the capitals as it is.

God Bless America

God bless America.
We basically just kick ass.

America the Beautiful

O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain.
I probably won't vote when I'm finally 18.
My older brother is a gay libertarian
From sea to shining sea.

The Star-Spangled Banner

Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out to the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack.
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
If they don't win, it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the home of the brave!

Yankee Doodle

Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on a pony.
Mommy is at work tonight, so I made instant macaroni
For dinner. Why don't they come to my baseball games anymore?
My therapist tells me it's not my fault.

Originally featured on www.McSweeneys.net, because they sometimes think we're funny

By Michael J. Weingarth

The Uncomfortable Facts Of life

Please click on the cartoon to see the full-sized version.
 

Get Into the College of Your Choice, or a Different One, Part 3: The Extra-Curriculars

One of the most important things you do in high school is compile a list of meaningless bullshit to fill up your time so college’s think you don’t do drugs. Of these fine activities, it’s extremely important that you specifically spell out for the 23 year-old half-stoned admissions officer who reads your application what makes you different from the 5,000 other assholes who worked on the school paper. Here’s how:

 

1. Re-title your activities: As I always said, being an editor-in-chief is really more like being a dictator-in-chief. With that analogy in mind, try re-writing your description of your extra-curriculars to be proportional to what you feel your hard-work was really accomplishing. Try calling your school paper “a small, impoverished African nation” or better yet, “the NGO that I founded with money from my AIDS research”, and feel free to liberally describe your      actions as the chief executive. If you managed a staff, you are entitled to call it, “a cabinet”. Alumni advisor? More like “shareholders”, to me! And don’t forget to describe your actions as being pro-active! For instance, “raised advertising revenue over 75% during six-month span” is okay, but “quelled rebel insurgency using non-lethal sonic weapons that I personally developed” is much more professional sounding.
2. Show Altruism: For some stupid reason, colleges really like it when kids save lives, or at least think about saving other people's lives. To do this, simply invent charity events that no one can disprove. For instance, you can pay somewhere around $750 to get certified, rent an hour in a community center in a shitty neighborhood, and then say “Taught free-first aid clinic in      impoverished community”. Or better yet, claim you simply initiated a “help the homeless” drive, where you and your friends would simply drive around an inner-city, and drop off homeless people at the shelter. You can easily fake this by paying winos (in gin, of course) to ride with you      while they get drunk and then kick their drunk asses out in front of the shelter.
3. Illustrate commitment, and leadership: Colleges also value commitment, because they think that people who quit losing battles aren’t going to hang in there when the going gets tough. This   is, of course, obviously false, and you can easily fake such tenacity by structuring your extra-curriculars as if you were the only member left of a club that went defunct during your junior year. Then, during your senior year, simply say you re-formed it, all of your own accord, and managed to get all the members to teach a free first aid clinic in the ghetto. That’s commitment through bad times. Also, it shows leadership, since you took credit for it, which is what leaders do.
4. Show how your activities illustrate a larger, generic character trait: Like managing a staff of people? You’re a born manager. Like doing layout? You’re a born CSE nerd. Like theatre tech? You’re a born virgin! You should probably focus on the first one, though, and how whatever it is that you do somehow gives way to something larger. For instance, if I taught a free first-aid clinic, I’d talk a lot about healthcare issues and med-school. If I was a three-varsity athlete, I’d talk about how athletics really helped you focus during your last year of school and bring up your academics. If you were an ultimate Frisbee player, I’d buy a flushing kid and pray they didn’t smell your dreadlocks too closely.
5. Wrestle Grizzly Bears: If you don’t have anything else to go on, this gets at least 14 kids into Yale a year. Of course, if you can defeat a Grizzly, chances are you don’t want go to Yale, since 7 out of 10 women are beautiful, and the other 3 live in Connecticut.   But if you haven't read about how grizzly bears will help you with your essay, you should check THIS out.
   
   By Michael J. Weingarth
   

Your Entry-Level Job Skills Are the Only Thing That Can Save the Universe

I realize it’s hard to accept, Bill, but you’ve got to realize that there’s more at stake here than your $42,000 salary and complete health and dental coverage. You see, years ago, the Zilandrians put in place a program that would search out the man who had the best skills fit for commanding the Intergalactic Armada, and, by disguising this program as an entry-level position at a financial services firm, allow us to find our savior. And you, Bill, you are that man. No, it’s exactly like the Last Starfighter. That’s where we got the idea.

But that’s just my point- only a man with your kind of resolve and natural ability to manually replace data after your boss tells you to “fudge the numbers” with such middling gusto is exactly what this army needs. We need a commander who takes an hour and ten minute lunch and resents the fact that his degrees in history and economics are being completely wasted- that kind of “can-do, sorta” attitude is what inspires Zilandrians the most! You see, Bill, your fledging patience and short temper with the two 27 year olds who tell you to do their work is almost identically analogous to the story of Zilandrone I, king of Zilandria, who trounced his two 27 year old older brothers and brought peace to the realm. I realize it’s unlikely, Bill, but you have to understand- we’ve waiting for someone as average as you for centuries.

All of our military systems are based on applications from your office. The way that you email 47 different clients a form letter is exactly how you will give direct orders to your lieutenants. The painstaking process of creating custom power-point slides is exactly how you arm and fire our Zilandrostosic Torpedos, and the way you ask your boss or vacation is precisely how we pray to the Zilandros, the gods above who watch over us and protect us from the chain emails of Tulfarnok, the nearest star system, full of over-achieving and efficient office workers. You see Bill, you are the embodiment of a people who could have done much better, and did not, and then blamed it on their neighbors. We need your help to survive, and if it’s not you, Bill, then, well, I guess we’ll probably take the next guy kind of like you- over-qualified and pathetically un-challenged. But still, we’d really like it to be you. Well, at least think about it. We need exactly your skills, or something similar to them, or at least familiarity with excel. Did I mention that making an Excel pivot table is how we procreate? Like I said, you were born for this, Bill.

 

By Michael J. Weingarth

Reasons Dopple Gang Didn’t Update on Sunday

1. Writer’s Strike Strike
2. Needed to find alternate hilarity sources as crude supplies are becoming deleted      (ZING)
3. No one left to steal from
4. Chris developed severe allergy to internet
5. Webmaster ran off with Webmistress, had Webivorce and sued Dopple Gang for Webimony.
6. HTML coding is like, hard.
7. McSweeney’s already updated something much funnier
8. Bacon, Lettuce, and Malaise sandwich inspired afternoon of laying about, whining
9. Mike forgot how to spell his middle initial
10. Rest of internet took the day off
    
    By Michael ? Weingarth

On Behalf of the Foundation for the Future of Tomorrow

Dear Sir or Madam:

On behalf of the Foundation for the Future of Tomorrow, I’d like to take this opportunity to invite you to enjoy partaking in a unique opportunity to support some of the most important ongoing development initiatives going on in the world of today – and the future: of tomorrow.

Evolving from the private microfinance firm, the ‘Franklin Syndicate’, the Foundation is a 501-C, non-profit NGO globally engaged in the engaging globular happenings. We’re involved in groundbreaking, cut-of-the-edge-of-the-world experiences, focusing on trans-, pan-, and inter-national schemes; we hope that you, Sir or Madam, decide to contribute to the imminent value of potential prospects in our forthcoming strategies.

Unfortunately, I can’t fully detail the great doings that the Foundation does, as we are involved in ongoing litigation that we are confident will be settled outside of court for an undisclosed sum, to which you now have the chance to contribute. While we are legally obligated to inform you that the case in question involved children between the ages of three and six, caves, demanding manual work, and the illegal trade of human eyes, we assure you that that no synergy has in any way been lost.

If you decide to contribute to the Foundation for the Future of Tomorrow, you will leave a lasting legacy that will persist on into the perpetual future of perpetuity. Just look at some of the world leaders who have considered acting on the numerous mailings they’ve received:

-Billington ‘Trip’ Doughsbury, Esquire XII: Cookie and pastry tycoon

-The Great Gandhini: India’s foremost social activist/magician

-Ilya Fakenameovic: A famous Slav of some type

-Melinda Gates: Despite her husband’s protests

Similarly, you, too, can also in the same way join the ranks of these world leaders, too, by also contributing to the Foundation. Help sculpt the clay of tomorrow’s sculptures – today. For the future of tomorrow.

All donations must be made in unmarked bills.

Sincerely,

C.F. Ponzi

By CS Van Orden

Who Or What Is The Dopple Gang, Exactly?

Although The Dopple Gang refuses to be categorized, it should be noted that we are a humor, satire, and parody blog, and expect to show up in Google searches as such.

Our writers have written for such esteemed drivel outlets as Saturday Night Live, The Onion, McSweeneys, and The Punch Bowl. This is, of course, of no concern to you, esteemed reader. For to actually reach this site is more challenging than ascending the crags of the Himalayas to commune with a guru or two, so it is you who deserves to be saluted, and not us. However that saluting will have to be outsourced to India, toot-sweet, as we are busy churning out puns in the back of our ramshackle chuckle hut. Our readers are as cultivated as the finest wine, and equally rare. Count yourselves among the lucky few, because we make no effort to count you at all.

We are all evil twins. Of different people. Duh. Our good twins run another blog somewhere on the internet about politics and charity, but those people are lame-oids and we wish nothing to do with them.

It has come to our attention that Web 2.0 revolves around communities. We find this as distasteful as you surely must. Personally speaking, the Gang cannot wait until 3.0 returns the internet to the iron fist of the capitalist oligarchy, as it was in the sweet sweet days of Prodigy. The internet service provider, not the band. Although those days were fairly sweet as well. Until then, the obligatory bone to social networking shall be thrown. Feel free to email us about your wacky comedy blog, although we promise absolutely nothing in return except perhaps menacing laughter in a soundproof room at your expense. However, maybe we will link to you or something. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot, and a few laughs, to try.

So please, peruse our pages at your peril, and perchance you will be piqued enough to post a pleasant postulation upon our...uh...comments section. Percolate.

Please enjoy the site, and feel free to leave non-troll-like comments and suggestions wherever you please.

Love,
Chris Van Orden (The Cute Evil One), Michael J. Weingarth (The Evil Party Animal), and Johnny McNulty (The Evil Neurotic One)

Ways to Get Back at Your Past

Download an Emulator, Then Beat All the Games You Couldn’t Beat When You Were Nine: No longer will the infuriating flying-land-jet level of BattleToads be impossible. Now, with your superior coordination and spot saves, you can weasel your way past games that used to drive you insane with frustration. Show those programmers who’s the man by restarting every time you die until you know the perfect layout of every level, ruining the point of playing such a hard game in the first place.

Chew an Entire Pack of Bubble Gum at Once: Mom was wrong: two pieces was not ‘more than enough’. We all know that the point of buying a pack of bubble-gum is not in the sugar rush of those sweet candied squares, but rather, in the satisfaction of popping piece after piece in your mouth as soon as the flavor fades from the previous one. You’re a big kid now, old enough to not care if you dislocate your jaw from chewing all 8 pieces at once.

Molest Your Priest: Nothing quite says coming of age like touching a priest in his “no-no” spots while reminding him that you’re now five inches taller and a good thirty pounds heavier than he is. The best part is that he has to forgive you afterward.

Call Out Your Elementary School Teachers On Still Smoking Pot and Being Poor: Remember all those talks they used to give about “if someone hurts your feelings, let them know it, don’t just hit them back” and “love everyone” and “everyone is special”? Your teachers were hippies, or they were lying to you, so on both accounts, call them out on it Everyone is special when you blaze from a vaporizer that fits conveniently into the trunk Mr. Kowalski’s Kia Sephia- a fine luxury automobile, one might add, befitting his salary.

Watch Glory Fade As Former Jocks Drink Selves to Death in Town Bar: You only get four bites out of the apple, Coach used to say. So stop taking all those damn AP tests and put more time in at the weight room, he also used to say. And glory never fades, right? Working construction, maybe selling some real estate, glory accompanies the former finely-turned athletic machines to their shitty day job, and possibly their nightshift as a bouncer at a nearby club, and then back home to their crappy apartment and/or one floor house that they rent. Glory also helps call the coroner when one too many rounds of Jameson inspires an evening in the garage with the car running and the door closed.

Stand Up To Your Dad:  I don’t think this is funny; it’s just something you should do.  You can’t let him push you around forever.

by Michael J. Weingarth

Originally featured on the funniest collegiate website in the world, www.ThePunchBowl.net

 

Headlines...FROM THE FUTURE!!!

As we descend further and further into the 21st, and most likely last, century, our collective bar for what needs to be brought to our attention continues its perpetual freefall, aided by the behavior of those in the news. Here are some probable news clips from the Nov 20, 2014.

NEWS
BILL CLINTON TO SIRE HEIR
Freed from the "cold, flaccinating grip" of his former wife, Hillary, former President Clinton is to begin a nationwide tour seeking vessels to continue his bloodline with a male heir. "I hate to break out this old chestnut," said Clinton "but I would like to have sexual relations with this, that, or any woman. The more Bill Jr's there are out there, the more chances there will be for future generations to have a leader who can feel future America's pain." Although some Democratic strategists worry the predicted competition between the Clinton-spawn will alienate voters in the future, other pundits are pointing to the nearly endless supply of Romney children as possible foils, not to mention this week's revelation that Karl Rove has been reproducing asexually in a New Mexico cave...

BRITNEY SPEARS IS READING THIS ARTICLE RIGHT NOW
Sources extremely, physically close to former parent and pop star Britney Spears say she is actually reading this article as we speak, or read, so to speak. Currently located deep within her secret base on the Moon, in a posh section of the lunar core where she hobnobs with such luminaries as Tom Cruise, Posh Beckham and Michael Bloomberg, it is reported that she came upon the article at random, but was drawn to it by the mention of her name in the previous title, "BRITNEY SPEARS ALMOST HERE..." Although the diva has no memory of her previous name or life, those in charge of maintaining her claim she always reacts to the name with curiosity, but never knows why. This confusion is likely due to Ms. Spears' incident last spring, when she crashed her Lunar Buggy while holding her latest infant in front of her face to shield her eyes from the sun. Ms. Spears was left exposed to the vacuum for several minutes, and suffered total amnesia as well as a loss of motor and speech functions. Meanwhile, her baby, Baby Spears (since taken by Tom Cruise into super-secret custody) has signed a multi-million dollar deal with NickSpace to produce a series about a sassy space baby with radiation poisoning. Ms. Spears is still expected to go on tour next month... 

NFL PENALIZES 3RD PLAYER FOR ON-FIELD SHOOTING IN WEEK
In a shocking development which saddened the hearts of many true sports fans, All-Star receiver and crowd favorite Derek "I Shoot People" Michaels of the Indianapolis Colts unexpectedly pulled a pistol out of his uniform and shot Rams cornerback Ted "I'll Shoot You If You Don't Kill Me First" Johnson, who was reaching for an interception. Michaels successfully caught the pass with the pistol in his hand and proceeded unopposed to the endzone, due to his superior speed and obvious weaponry. Although unsure of what penalty to hand down to first-time offender Michaels, sources indicate at least a three game suspension. NFL fields have been outside U.S. legal jurisdiction since 2010. This marks the latest in a series of on-field shootings in the NFL this week, beginning with Omar "On November 16th, 2014, I Will Shoot Someone During An NFL Game" Jackson's shocking attack and Richard "Screw Guns, I Have A Bomb Strapped To My Chest" Lauriot's opening fire on the offensive line of the New York Giants. Which, actually, most people were relieved was all he did...

News Below Your Threshold (-5 gay): DIEBOLD TO CONSIDER HOLDING ANOTHER ELECTION IN 2016
AMERICA STILL GIVES A SHIT ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL
MEN NAMED JACK BAUER NOW GOVERNING 29 STATES

by Johnny McNulty

You Got Serbed

by Johnny McNulty, with special shout-out to Matt Fox