Download an Emulator, Then Beat All the Games You Couldn’t Beat When You Were Nine: No longer will the infuriating flying-land-jet level of BattleToads be impossible. Now, with your superior coordination and spot saves, you can weasel your way past games that used to drive you insane with frustration. Show those programmers who’s the man by restarting every time you die until you know the perfect layout of every level, ruining the point of playing such a hard game in the first place.
Chew an Entire Pack of Bubble Gum at Once: Mom was wrong: two pieces was not ‘more than enough’. We all know that the point of buying a pack of bubble-gum is not in the sugar rush of those sweet candied squares, but rather, in the satisfaction of popping piece after piece in your mouth as soon as the flavor fades from the previous one. You’re a big kid now, old enough to not care if you dislocate your jaw from chewing all 8 pieces at once.
Molest Your Priest: Nothing quite says coming of age like touching a priest in his “no-no” spots while reminding him that you’re now five inches taller and a good thirty pounds heavier than he is. The best part is that he has to forgive you afterward.
Call Out Your Elementary School Teachers On Still Smoking Pot and Being Poor: Remember all those talks they used to give about “if someone hurts your feelings, let them know it, don’t just hit them back” and “love everyone” and “everyone is special”? Your teachers were hippies, or they were lying to you, so on both accounts, call them out on it Everyone is special when you blaze from a vaporizer that fits conveniently into the trunk Mr. Kowalski’s Kia Sephia- a fine luxury automobile, one might add, befitting his salary.
Watch Glory Fade As Former Jocks Drink Selves to Death in Town Bar: You only get four bites out of the apple, Coach used to say. So stop taking all those damn AP tests and put more time in at the weight room, he also used to say. And glory never fades, right? Working construction, maybe selling some real estate, glory accompanies the former finely-turned athletic machines to their shitty day job, and possibly their nightshift as a bouncer at a nearby club, and then back home to their crappy apartment and/or one floor house that they rent. Glory also helps call the coroner when one too many rounds of Jameson inspires an evening in the garage with the car running and the door closed.
Stand Up To Your Dad: I don’t think this is funny; it’s just something you should do. You can’t let him push you around forever.
by Michael J. Weingarth
Originally featured on the funniest collegiate website in the world, www.ThePunchBowl.net