Your Resume, by Your Jewish Mother

EDUCATION

Ivy-League University, It’ a Very Good School-   May 2007
· B.S. in Finance with a Minor in Getting a Very Good Job, He’s on Wall Street Now

 A Prep School-  June 2003
· Dated the nicest girl, Nancy. Whatever happened to her?  She used to come to Thanksgiving every year.  You have to work on the day after Thanksgiving? They own your time with your family, now? Well, at least take the leftovers.  You look so thin!  Here, I'll make you another chicken.
· Beaten up a lot, because all the dumb kids were jealous. They were always jealous of you, my little babushka, that’s why they never let you play basketball.

 BUSINESS AND RELATED EXPERIENCE
Finance Associates, Investment Bank-  July 2007-Present
Some sort of Analyst, I can’t believe how much they’re paying you
· I don’t really understand it, he said he looks at numbers all day and they make money? It makes no sense to me. It’s just like Bernie’s friend Albert back  when those junky bonds were doing so well.  I know, it's good money, but maybe he'll go to Law School.  He'd make such a wonderful  doctor, too.

 Daddy’s Friend’s Firm, Another Investment Bank-   June-September 2006
Junior Analyst
· Wasn’t it nice of Raymond to let you work there?
· Well at least you have something on your resume- if you had maybe gone abroad to Israel instead of Australia maybe you wouldn’t have been so drunk you couldn’t send out a few applications to some nice firms people have heard of. What’s that Sack place? Goldstein Sack?

Hillel, Every Friday- June 2006-present
Shabbat Dinner Eater, so he tells me
· What do you mean you think you like catholic girls now? That’s what the Hillel is for! You go, you meet nice young girls!
· Well why don’t you go play in your stupid rock band instead and tell me how many nice young women you meet? What’d you mean you meet girls all the time because of your band?! Those are not nice young girls, young man!
· Fine, don’t call anymore. No, I’m not upset at all. Break your mother’s heart, why should she be upset. Go play your music. I guess we won’t expect you home anytime soon. When your older brother was at school, he never missed a Hillel dinner. And he came home every other week. What do you mean I should buy a dog?

 Self-Managed Musician- 10 years experience
· It’s very loud, I don’t like it. When he sings, it’s a nice voice, but they’re always yelling and screaming- I don’t get it. 
 
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Computer: He’s always on there, I think he’s very good with it. He showed me how to use the Outlook calendar, once, very smart boy.
Laundry Utilizer: He brings home all these wrinkled clothes- I have to redo all his laundry for him every time. He never learns.
Proficient in Yiddish Swears: I thought I told you not to listen to Grandpa when he’s been drinking Schnapps.
A lot like his older brother Nathaniel The two of them are a riot together- so funny. I swear, you never saw two brothers fight so much in their lives! Oh such nice boys we have, and both so smart!

By Michael J. Weingarth