weeks ago, we saw the people of
We’ve got people from every walk of life here at the Dopple Gang. We’ve got a libertarian improv-actor who just moved to NYC and will totally write in something unexpected on the ballots. And then there’s Chris, who still thinks the elections are as fake as the moon-landings. But there is a whole nation of young people who have never had a reason to participate until now, and they are hungry for change. And then there’s us three, hungry for pizza. Or booze. Probably both. I’m totally ordering one right now, I don’t care if either of you say you aren’t hungry.
It’s thirty bucks, dudes. Just letting you know. Also, I should let you know that it is more than a change of the party in the White House that this country needs. It’s a change of the status quo. The Dopple Gang needs to get off it’s behind and start implementing some changes, and disrupt that status quo, which is basically forcing us to sit around all day, screwing around on the internet. It's a status quo that extends beyond any particular party and right now that status quo is fighting back with everything it's got (read: porn), with the same old tactics that divide and distract us (read: porn) from solving the problems people face (read: too much porn), whether those problems are health care that folks can't afford or a mortgage they cannot pay, or other things that none of us care about, because we’re twenty-somethings with supportive parents. In short, I need to get off the internet and stop looking at those kind of sites. But seriously, it’s time for a change. And that time is now.
And what’s first? We’ve gotta get this country out of debt, so you can pay the thirty bucks for this pizza, because you still owe me thirty from last week. And I can totally fix this economy, and you’ll never believe how, because you’re too jaded, cynical, and hungry to ever have thought of it before, worn down by years of the same-old jargon and Ramen. I’m going to magically fix this debt bubble (with fucking MAGIC dude, you won’t believe how easy this is)…by delivering a really inspiring speech about how people have believed in change before making it happen. And then I’m going to say, “Look, in all this time in history, didn’t it make sense that the will for change was there before the change occurred?” And you’ll get all fired up, thinking you now understand how to fix the country. And then I’m going to get drunk and laugh about how poor people are so totally boned for the next five years with this economy, because I’m 23 and have a good job, and you don’t. Well, at least you, Johnny. Chris is gonna be paying off loans for forever, so he’s already Chapter Elevensies. My point is: don’t buy a fucking house when you’re poor, Johnny. You haven’t? Well, I give good advice, don’t I? Vote for me.
I mean, there’s a lot to be depressed about, but we shouldn’t lose hope. When I first came to the Dopple Gang, I saw crumbling mills and shuttered schools and people who can’t afford another four years without health care, because I can see part of a depressed neighborhood from the balcony of my luxury apartment. And I saw a nation of drunk, hungry kids who didn’t order pizza even after I asked them to, so I called it in myself, and that’s the power of hope- the power to change- the power to seek truth and justice and one half bacon and peppers and the other half pepperoni. And we’ll make mistakes- there will be false starts, and there will be…well, mistakes. Like…a lot. Some of that pizza might not completely make it into our mouths- maybe it will jab the side of our face and leave a greasy spot which we will then wipe the with the patriotic sleeve of hopefulness and leave a stain of change(which looks a lot like grease). But we need those mistakes, so we can get what everyone needs: Jobs. Everyone needs a job. Jobby Job Job-Job. Anyway, we need to do really obvious things, like tax companies for out-sourcing jobs, so that third-world countries stay poor and under-developed and are used as breeding grounds for rebel armies, drug-runners, and smuggling, instead of tech support and low-wage manual labor, farming things like bananas, and fruit, and rum-cakes, and other island treats. I’m so hungry.
And we need those low-paying jobs to stay in the U.S, so that our poor, jobless, and uneducated masses have enough money to become slightly-less-poor, employed and uneducated masses and clean my office because us young kids like to make a mess when we’re stressed and have to stay past six. We need to make college affordable, so we can have more useless degrees floating around from seventh-tier institutions, so that I can get a much better job with my Ivy-League degree and buy up all the land that’s now so devalued and use it as the basis for my kid’s trust fund. Like I said, it’s all about hope, people. Hope for a better tomorrow for my kids. I mean our kids. Wait, no I don’t.
We’re gonna totally get rid of lobbyists, too, who push for an entire pizza covered in mushrooms and racism. Seriously, who eats mushrooms? The smear campaign of mushroom jingoists must stop- the righteous zealotry of deliciousness must not reply, either. We have to learn to stop dividing ourselves as a nation, and start dividing our pizzas. I don’t see one half of what Johnny wants, and one half of what Chris wants- I see a pizza, able to be split into proportions based on how much you paid me for it, you misers. And we can do this. We can get rid of those lobbyists just by closing our eyes and pretending we matter. See how easy that was? If the people wish hard enough, and really get involved, and send me money, and write to their congressman, and get their story on the 11 o’clock news (conveniently run by the same corporation who pays the lobbyists), then absolutely nothing will happen. But we mustn’t lose hope, because we’ll make mistakes. Wishing things to happen takes, like, at least four years. So you’ll have to elect me twice. Oh my god-starving. When is that pizza getting here? Status-quo, jobs.
And what’s left? I know this is going to sound silly, but it’s a four letter word. It’s hope. Hope on a rope. We need to hang onto our hope, even when its slippery in the cynical shower-stall of doubt, and make sure we don’t drop it, so that the jaded, bitter convicted felon of political bipartisan-ness slips something up our hope-hole. But that’s not going to do it alone. First I’ve got to tell you that this is not false hope, because I actually can restore confidence to this nation and it’s economy simply by telling poor people that life will get better. And I’ve never heard anyone do that before and fail. Ever. But we’ll make mistakes. And we’ll probably make more.
three words that will echo across this great nation, from coast to coast-well
more like five. Can we have some pizza? Yes, I will say. Yes, you can’t. You will call me a dick, the cry of a nation in need of moral sustenance and finding only your own lack of foresight and pizza to blame And I
will laugh, heartily, with a mouth full of fresh mozzarella, sauce, hope, and
oven-baked dough, Chris and Johnny, because you owe me thirty bucks from last
week. We want change, you will say, if
you hand me a fifty. Can you give us change? Yes, the pizza-delivery guy and I will say. And i will repeat those same words, or similar words that are maybe not that precise phrase but still words none the less: Yes we can, but you owe me 30, so you're still ten short- why did you buy a house on 22k a year? Oh, you're not being driven into bankruptcy by an adjustable rate mortgage? WELL THEN GIVE ME MY TEN BUCKS, DUDES. God. Fine, then i'm eating the whole pizza. Fine, you can have two slices if you vote for me.
By Michael J. Weingarth