John Mayer's Blog: A Translator

by Johnny McNulty

The following is a blow-by-blow parsing and translation of John Mayer's blog entry "From The Heart," a missive against self-obsession and the impact on modern media on our collective psyche. Also, it is about John Mayer being a very boring man who dislikes everyone who thinks they're better than him. All the quotes are in the order the appear in the blog entry, which can be found here.

FROM THE HEART

                    I need to write this. Translation: I want to write this.

I've been traveling alone in Japan for the better part of three weeks now, and It's been so remarkable an experience for me that I can't book a ticket home yet. I haven't spoken very much out loud these days, but I've been thinking to myself in what feels like surround sound. I can see so many things clearly, and feel so connected to myself and the world around me that I need to share the perspective with you. Translation: Study abroad is fucking awesome, dude. Other countries are so spiritual, y'know?

I'm already aware that when I sing, say or write anything, 50 percent of the response will be in support of it and the other 50 will want to discount it. Translation: My manager does not let me read reviews of my albums.

This blog, though, is directed to 100 percent of people reading it. Translation: Yep.

If my blog truly does have any cultural effect, then it should be used for more than just pictures of sneakers and funny youtube videos. Translation: I do not like blogs about sneakers. Why are you writing a blog about sneakers? I don't like sneakers. I mean, I like sneakers, but not enough to write a blog about them. I'm a celebrity. My blog will help the world.

(If you don't think my blog has any effect, than you can't by definition be reading this right now and therefore don't have to respond to it in any way. Isn't that tidy?) Translation: I am a fucking genius.

What I'm about to write isn't about fame or success or celebrity or the media. That's my business. Translation: I'm gonna write this because I'm famous and successful in the media.

This is about us all. Translation: This is about me.

This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic. Translation: I think I'm 17.

This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me." Translation: Melanie, answer my wall posts.

This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe. Translation: Stage fright is for pussies. I'm John Fucking Mayer, bitches.

This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week. Translation: 1.) I told you this was about me. 2.) I'm Paul Newman. 3.) Then I fired her for talking to me.

This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man. Translation: Should I add the word fat? 'as a fat gay man.' No, no. 'as a gay fat man.' That's better. I don't know. I mean Perez Hilton is definitely a big fat gay man, but should I call him that? No, I'll take the high road by slyly referencing him without using his name so I can always deny it later.

This is about us all. Translation: This is about me.
Every one of us. Translation: Specifically me.

Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. Translation: That sentence is: "When it comes to boring music, I prefer Jack Johnson."

And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. Translation: It was so bad, I was smoking pot every week.

And I think I'm done with that. Translation: People stopped paying attention to me.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. Translation: Kanye West was the first person to come up with the concept of being aware of other's perceptions of you. I want Kanye to read this blog. I want to be friends with Kanye.

But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. Translation: But many of you are still trying to pretend you are as special as me, John Mayer.

We were spoken to by name through a television. Translation: My house was haunted.

We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing. Translation: Stop making albums on the internet. I have a record deal. Remember "Room For Squares"? That was a breath of fresh air, right? We didn't need Pitchfork to tell you it was good, or bad, or sucked, or that some Weekend Vampires were way better. I GOT HERE FIRST, DAMMIT! NO ONE MAKE NEW MUSIC UNTIL I'M DONE!

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. Translation: I'm NORMAL. Do you hear me?! NORMAL! Normal people are CRUSHED! BY SELF DOUBT!!...RIGHT?!

And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following (ME) ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. Translation: Jack Johnson.

It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me (ME), 30 sounds about right. Translation: The rest of you should realize right now.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself (ME): Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Translation: Get it? Careless...Care Less...Care MORE!

Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Translation: Album reviews.
Read. Translation: But not album reviews.
See more shows. Translation: Mine.
Of any kind. Translation: Mine.
Rock shows, Translation: Mine.
art shows, Translation: Did you know I also macrame?
boat shows. Translation: I have a boat I need to sell.
Create more art. Translation: But not music. Enough people do that.
Wear hoodies to dinner. Translation: Badass!
Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Translation: YOU carry around a book in which to collect recommendations for ME.

Root for others. Translation: For the rest of you, this means me.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time. Translation: I write blog entries, you buy my albums. Over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that. Translation: I have no fucking clue.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you. Translation: As a quiet, unfamous citizen who won't date Jessica Simpson.

I'm going quiet now. Translation: Sincerely,

John (ME)

Comments

[Dear John Mayer...(or, 'A Guide To Post-BreakUp Etiquette for Hapless Rock Stars)]

Brilliant translations! LOL...

Here's a "Dear John" letter (blog post)to our favorite celeblogger, inspired by the video of him going off on the papparazzi:

"How to Behave Post-Breakup: A Guide for Hapless Celebrities":

http://brainbites.wordpress.com/2008/08/18/dear-john-mayer/