Select Comfort presents: What does your SleepNumber say about you?
1 - You enjoy the finer things in life, and a fluffy bed sure is one of them. Highly intelligent and refined, you enjoy your authors Russian, your wines French, and your lovers Italian. After a bath filled with the finest bubbles, you climb into your Select Comfort bed and lower the number until the bed itself is almost imperceptible, just a cloud with sheets. Is there a pea under this mattress? You would know, after all - you are a princess.
19 - A military man, you've had enough nights holed up in a foxhole trying to sleep with your back against hard-packed dirt and just your kit for a pillow. You've slept next to dead men, and once you had to try to look just as dead as they did when the enemy advanced past your position. Finally, you arose in the dead of night to seize a German troop truck and make a daring escape back to Allied territory. You got a Medal of Honor for your efforts and the intelligence you recovered, but during the ceremony you saw not the eyes of President Truman, but rather that young chubby German man, a boy really, dozing by the truck before you snapped his neck. You could have just let him be but the risk was too great. Sure, he was a Nazi but he was also just a kid. A soft bed can't remove that guilt, but it sure does feel great at night.
50 - Unable to make decisions, you straddle the line between hard and soft and call it living. You know, here at Select Comfort, half the engineers wanted to leave 50 off the menu, because only a total fucking pussy would ever pick such a lame fucking number. PICK A SIDE, YOU ASSHOLE! Are you with the cushies or the firmies? This is a question you must answer, Steve Hendrickson. We know who you are. All our beds radio home and tell us the most popular numbers. You know how many beds are set to 50? One. Yours. Yes, technically this makes you the most individualistic Sleep Number user, but it also makes you a dickwad. Get off your high horse and pick a real number, or we will detonate your bed without warning.
93 - Relaxed, almost subservient, you avoid confrontation and prefer to work by consensus or alone. Well-suited to the life of a researcher or engineer, you work well in teams, as long as you are not the leader of said team. Also, you like to sleep on a pretty firm bed.
95 - You are a fiery, almost criminal lover. You fuck with wild abandon whenever the opportunity arises and will often be late to work due to your incessant fucking. Life outside the pursuit and conquest of a new sexual partner seems dull and gray. You care little for your work and seek out jobs that don't require thought after the end of the day. Instead, your real day begins afterwards, when you head to a bar or gallery opening to seduce any attractive, lonely figure you see separated from the pack. Once in your sights, you pursue your mark with ferocious tenacity until your raw animal energy overcomes them in wave after wave of pleasure. All that fucking, however, has thrown out your back something serious and you need a firmer mattress to avoid chronic pain.