Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Johnny McNulty and I am the sovereign ruler of myself, titled renter of my apartment and heir to occasional influxes of cash from my mother. You have been selected through a rigorous name generator to be informed of exciting investment opportunities in myself and my personal industry. I am very industrious. With an influx of capital, perhaps from a Sovereign Wealth Fund (if anyone from Abu Dhabi is reading! Or Norway - Johnny can provide complete proof that he does not use child labor or produce land mines, nuclear weapons, or cluster munitions), hedge fund, or private investor, who knows what rates of personal growth can be achieved? My industries of expertise include:
2.) History, Political Science - Johnny majored in History in college, and double-majored in Political Science until he dropped it because it wanted him to take courses all the time. As we all know, in today's society capital can move across borders with unprecedented ease, providing almost unlimited access to the markets of almost all the nations of the world. But how often has that capital arrived, only to find integration awkward due to a lack of knowledge of the inner politics of the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere during the 1930's and 1940's, or an intricate understanding of Hapsburg diplomatic protocol? All too often, is the answer. But no more, now that for a small fee you can call Johnny at home and ask him for trivia, or the geographical location of South American nations.
3.) Hospitality - Johnny is a great cook, an adept conversationalist, and his couch folds out into a very comfortable full bed. Could Johnny's apartment be a successful bed and breakfast? Do you have $20,000? Then yes!
4.) Administrative Services - Johnny has interned for some of the finest organizations in the world, from the Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia, Saturday Night Live, The Onion, Late Night With Conan O'Brien, The Aspen Institute, and The Institute for State Effectiveness. Johnny has all the filing, researching, tech-support, coffee-producing, minutes-taking capabilities of a Delhi-based Indian Institute of Technology grad, with none of the political baggage. The only requirement is that I not leave my apartment and work three hours a day. Is that cool?
5.) Finance - I set up a $300 E*Trade account in January, which currently is $297 but I will report got as high as $335 in February before I took the advice of my stupid roommate, who works at Bear Stearns. Although not for long, the jerk.
6.) Email Advertisement - Do you need to send emails advertising your investment opportunities to millions of unsuspecting Americans with the hope of striking gold on one or two senior citizens? Look no further! I will shamelessly plug any and all new product launches, investments, or pleas for money from exiled royalty with the pestering ruthlessness by which I remind my friends and acquaintances to come to my improv shows every weekend.
So if you have excess cash you're unable to figure out how to spend on yourself, come deposit it in me! Interested investors should contact the white kid losing his money playing chess in Union Square. And they should hurry, because Manny has a deal where I can play 3 games for $10 until 6 p.m.