Can you smell the candy corn, ‘Franken-tini’s’, and heavy doses of perfume? Together, they mark one of the year’s most important events – the Halloween Costume Party. You typically go all out, but you always have a hard time deciding whether to shoot for the Sexiest Costume or the Most Original. This year, no more compromises. Below are a few get-ups that will be sure to earn you the rare honor of the costume award two-fer.
Who says menial manual labor can’t be sexy? There’s a sexy maid – why not a sexy cemetery attendant? I know I’ve been standing at a headstone, mourning, and found myself thinking, “I sure wish one of those haggard old gravediggers was a good looking woman”. You could be that woman. All it takes is a shovel, a cut-off uniform with embroidered name, and dirt. Lots of dirt. Plus, you have a chance to make a killer toast. “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him – to Yorick! Wooooo!”
-Sexy Ugly Betty-
Rumor has it people seem to enjoy this Betty show. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t have a TV. Instruments of the devil. Still, it’s a good idea to co-opt a pop culture reference. I’ve got dibs on Wham!, so you’re left with Ugly Betty. Make the best of it. Grow out those eyebrows, wear thick glasses, get braces, and put on an ugly dress. Oh, and be sexy. Really sexy.
-Sexy Half a Horse-
Everyone loves team costumes. It shows that you have friends and lack the confidence or creativity to stand on your own two feet. One of the classic duostumes (an industry term) is the two person horse. If you can enlist some sucker to take the crappy half, jump on the chance to be a horse’s ass. It leaves your face free for apple bobbing and makey outy, plus you can lay on the sexy with a tasteful hint of thong peeking out above your tail.
-Sexy Cheerleading Coach-
At this point, the cheerleader costume is old hat. I see yet another pom-pom toting bimbo and I say, “Bo-ring”. One up your ditzy friends by dressing as a sexy cheerleading coach. Think swishy sweatsuit, athletic tape, and those weird white cheerleading shoes that look like orthopedic grandma affairs. Be super supportive of your cheerleader friends. Yell at them for sloppy formations. And above all else, sexily argue with people dressed as athletes about cheerleading’s status as a sport.
-Sexier Version of Yourself-
Don’t dress up any differently than you normally do, just be ‘sexy’ you. No, sexier. That’s it. Nice.
-Sexy Victorian Woman-
This is a bit of a commitment, but it’s a sure shot if you pull it off right. First, some research is necessary. Steep yourself in morality and prudery, choose a side on the Classical vs. Gothic Battle of the Styles, and support imperialism. Once you’ve done this, strap on a sensible blouse and your favorite bonnet and hit the town. How is that sexy, you ask? You’ll be showing your wrist. That’s right, your wrist. It’s all relative, people.
By CS Van Orden