Although The Dopple Gang refuses to be categorized, it should be noted that we are a humor, satire, and parody blog, and expect to show up in Google searches as such.
Our writers have written for such esteemed drivel outlets as Saturday Night Live, The Onion, McSweeneys, and The Punch Bowl. This is, of course, of no concern to you, esteemed reader. For to actually reach this site is more challenging than ascending the crags of the Himalayas to commune with a guru or two, so it is you who deserves to be saluted, and not us. However that saluting will have to be outsourced to India, toot-sweet, as we are busy churning out puns in the back of our ramshackle chuckle hut. Our readers are as cultivated as the finest wine, and equally rare. Count yourselves among the lucky few, because we make no effort to count you at all.
We are all evil twins. Of different people. Duh. Our good twins run another blog somewhere on the internet about politics and charity, but those people are lame-oids and we wish nothing to do with them.
It has come to our attention that Web 2.0 revolves around communities. We find this as distasteful as you surely must. Personally speaking, the Gang cannot wait until 3.0 returns the internet to the iron fist of the capitalist oligarchy, as it was in the sweet sweet days of Prodigy. The internet service provider, not the band. Although those days were fairly sweet as well. Until then, the obligatory bone to social networking shall be thrown. Feel free to email us about your wacky comedy blog, although we promise absolutely nothing in return except perhaps menacing laughter in a soundproof room at your expense. However, maybe we will link to you or something. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot, and a few laughs, to try.
So please, peruse our pages at your peril, and perchance you will be piqued enough to post a pleasant postulation upon our...uh...comments section. Percolate.
Please enjoy the site, and feel free to leave non-troll-like comments and suggestions wherever you please.
Chris Van Orden (The Cute Evil One), Michael J. Weingarth (The Evil Party Animal), and Johnny McNulty (The Evil Neurotic One)
As we descend further and further into the 21st, and most likely last, century, our collective bar for what needs to be brought to our attention continues its perpetual freefall, aided by the behavior of those in the news. Here are some probable news clips from the Nov 20, 2014.
BILL CLINTON TO SIRE HEIR
Freed from the "cold, flaccinating grip" of his former wife, Hillary, former President Clinton is to begin a nationwide tour seeking vessels to continue his bloodline with a male heir. "I hate to break out this old chestnut," said Clinton "but I would like to have sexual relations with this, that, or any woman. The more Bill Jr's there are out there, the more chances there will be for future generations to have a leader who can feel future America's pain." Although some Democratic strategists worry the predicted competition between the Clinton-spawn will alienate voters in the future, other pundits are pointing to the nearly endless supply of Romney children as possible foils, not to mention this week's revelation that Karl Rove has been reproducing asexually in a New Mexico cave...
BRITNEY SPEARS IS READING THIS ARTICLE RIGHT NOW
Sources extremely, physically close to former parent and pop star Britney Spears say she is actually reading this article as we speak, or read, so to speak. Currently located deep within her secret base on the Moon, in a posh section of the lunar core where she hobnobs with such luminaries as Tom Cruise, Posh Beckham and Michael Bloomberg, it is reported that she came upon the article at random, but was drawn to it by the mention of her name in the previous title, "BRITNEY SPEARS ALMOST HERE..." Although the diva has no memory of her previous name or life, those in charge of maintaining her claim she always reacts to the name with curiosity, but never knows why. This confusion is likely due to Ms. Spears' incident last spring, when she crashed her Lunar Buggy while holding her latest infant in front of her face to shield her eyes from the sun. Ms. Spears was left exposed to the vacuum for several minutes, and suffered total amnesia as well as a loss of motor and speech functions. Meanwhile, her baby, Baby Spears (since taken by Tom Cruise into super-secret custody) has signed a multi-million dollar deal with NickSpace to produce a series about a sassy space baby with radiation poisoning. Ms. Spears is still expected to go on tour next month...
NFL PENALIZES 3RD PLAYER FOR ON-FIELD SHOOTING IN WEEK
In a shocking development which saddened the hearts of many true sports fans, All-Star receiver and crowd favorite Derek "I Shoot People" Michaels of the Indianapolis Colts unexpectedly pulled a pistol out of his uniform and shot Rams cornerback Ted "I'll Shoot You If You Don't Kill Me First" Johnson, who was reaching for an interception. Michaels successfully caught the pass with the pistol in his hand and proceeded unopposed to the endzone, due to his superior speed and obvious weaponry. Although unsure of what penalty to hand down to first-time offender Michaels, sources indicate at least a three game suspension. NFL fields have been outside U.S. legal jurisdiction since 2010. This marks the latest in a series of on-field shootings in the NFL this week, beginning with Omar "On November 16th, 2014, I Will Shoot Someone During An NFL Game" Jackson's shocking attack and Richard "Screw Guns, I Have A Bomb Strapped To My Chest" Lauriot's opening fire on the offensive line of the New York Giants. Which, actually, most people were relieved was all he did...
News Below Your Threshold (-5 gay): DIEBOLD TO CONSIDER HOLDING ANOTHER ELECTION IN 2016
AMERICA STILL GIVES A SHIT ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL
MEN NAMED JACK BAUER NOW GOVERNING 29 STATES
by Johnny McNulty
There are several theories on this subject. Here are three of those several theories.
1. Global Warming
One popular idea is that global warming has caused a migration among fat, unpopular 12-17 year-old girls and slightly gay boys, a population commonly referred to as "theater kids". Aside from their extra girth, the gothy clothes and ridiculous makeup of "theater kids" make the increasingly subtropical climes of New Jersey, New York and Connecticut unsuitable. (This zone is home to 60% of the world's population of "theater kids" - teenagers who know all the words to Phantom of the Opera and all the convincing reasons why working tech is still an important part of the show, just as important as the stupid quarterback who got cast as Hamlet. Philistine!) With RENT long having a death grip on the admiration of this group, its departure for cooler, more arid environments could not have boded well.
2. Decline Of Housing Market, And Economy
The success of RENT was twofold: Firstly, it told with honesty and pathos the real problems facing poor artists in New York struggling to make ends meet. Secondly, it required the patronage of rich-as-shit yuppies who found this hilarious. (And theater kids, their fat, spoiled offspring) Bohemia only has a romantic appeal, it appears, for those who can afford to decorate their apartments like a Broadway set. With the economy in the toilet, theatergoers are faced with their own glowering mortality. Add to this the fact that most theatergoers don't have three friends who can engage in witty dialogue, let alone twenty, their apartments look like the blank white inside of a Starbucks cup instead of the lush and accessoried-out-the-wazoo exposed brick of RENT, and that most of them aren't cool enough to have sex with anyone cool enough to have had a chance of contracting AIDS through sheer grittiness. Basically the romance falls away and you realize that any musical which includes a character standing up and making a toast "to marijuana!" isn't really pushing the fucking boundary. Because of the housing market.
3. The Original Was Way Better Than The Remake
First it was Buddy Holly glasses, then tight jeans and hi-tops, but the current craze to sweep hipsters everywhere is a fanatic 1830's Paris revival. Tattered suits, French Opera, and of course, the Revolutionary ethics of Liberty, Equality, Fraternity and Raging Tuberculosis are making a major comeback across Brooklyn and the Lower East Side. As a result, while no self-respecting hipster would be caught dead at a musical, the City Opera is filled with underweight, fashionable twenty-somethings watching La Boheme, punctuated by the persistent, pneumonic coughs popular with the Williamsburg crowd. Although tapeworms are also trendy these days, watching Les Miserables with a slight cold is a dead giveaway for someone who shops at Urban Outfitters.
by Johnny McNulty
1. Tax Cuts For The Rich
by George Bush, President of the United States
See, here's the thing. We shouldn't tax acheivement. Like the Texas Rangers, worst team in baseball when I was owner. That was an achievement. And you better believe I never got taxed for that shit. Look, some mathametician Poindexters might say "Ooh, then what will we pay for the government with." Government is bad, folks. Believe it. Reagan said it. I believe it. So I ain't gonna fund it. "What about the war in Iraq?" This is the sort of annoying question Truman was asked about Korea. Fifty years later, people think Truman was a great President, and North Korea is a dire threat to world security. I believe this will happen with my Presidency and Iraq. But I'm getting off topic here. How will we pay? We will borrow out our asses from China. But I have a plan. My plan is to borrow so much from China that they have no choice but to begin using dollars in their own economy. And then we will win, because those dollars are laced with God. Kind of like how the 20 has a different picture of Jackson when you hold it up to the light. Except with divine power. And victory will be declared.
2. Lower Interest Rates
by Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve
Ok, see. We'll try this again. Because...it's what we do. We raise and we lower rates. If we lower rates it should help the economy, because then money will be easier to borrow. And when people have money, they can buy things, and that helps people who make things, and that creates jobs. So if we free up more money, people will be able to shop at Wal-Mart after their shift, and buy things from China, thus creating jobs in China. Shit. Hold on. Let me do the math one more time.....fuck. Ok. Look. If people only buy American things, like Chevys and...uh...iPods. We make iPods right? We pay people in China to make iPods? That's good enough I suppose. Oh! Caterpillars! Like those big tractors! We still make those. Buy those. Buy American. Like American Apparel. It's all my daughter wears. Slut.
3. Be Rich As Shit
by A Rich Dude, just some random Rich Dude
Why can't people buy houses? Because they can't take out LOANS? WHAT? Why don't they just leverage one of their other houses? Or their stocks? (Or fuck...just buy it with money, you know?) Did you know that the S&P 500 rose 13.6% this year? (15.8% if you include dividends, and believe me, I do.) I don't want to brag, but, let's just say I beat the market. Of course, it was a drag to have to convert most of my dollars to Euros, but I guess that's just the done thing nowadays. Don't look at me like that! My son is in Iraq! As a very successful contractor, thank you.
4. Organize Some Agreement By Which Lenders And Borrowers Agree To Not Worry About Money In A Capitalist Economy
by Henry "Hank" Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury
Yeah. Great idea. I'm totally behind it. Thanks a fucking bundle, George. Thank god we didn't have any of your bright ideas while I was working my way up Goldman Sachs from the ass-end of the Midwest office. Meanwhile you were running two separate oil companies into the ground. Oil companies. How can you fuck up an oil company, George? WHO AIN'T BUYING OIL? NO ONE! NO ONE AIN'T BUYING OIL! BUT YOU! YOU SOMEHOW FUCKING FAILED AT IT!
5. Move To China
by Henry "Hank" Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury
Fuck this. Hu Jintao said he's gonna have some bitches in the hot tub, and we can watch people try to bicycle through the smog. He also said I can have the futon for as long as I want. Tell my wife I'm at a summit or something. Screw you people, I'm outie.
by Johnny McNulty
Hello, fine folks!
Unfortunately we all made resolutions to take the day off today (and the Gang is not the type to shirk their New Year's Resolutions). So although there's nothing new to salve your hangovers, but feel free to browse our archives and use it as an opportunity to kill some time not thinking about what you did last night. (Really? Lampshade on the head? What are you, a drunk from the '50s?)