For more great humor like this, check out the Dopple Gang's writers on www.CampusWord.com, the best collegiate media site today (this article originally featured on www.CampusWord.com on 4/3/08)
- Samurai Cowboy, by Jack Takashi, Senior Finance Major
Their Version: Jack-san,
a Japanese orphan, is found on the doorstep of a police station during a
blackout. When the lights come back on, he is awake for the first time
and cries. He is taken in by a policeman, but he is eventually confronted by a
hardened criminal claiming to be his brother during a summer home from college
abroad. While back home, he re-connects with his Asian roots and is
forced to choose the past he wants so he can get his economics degree while
still being a righteous, crime-fighting force who honors his adoptive father.
My Version: In the days
of samurai swords and revolvers that needed to be cocked, a lone Japanese
samurai is sailing across the seas in search of his daughter. On his way
to San Francisco, he is pushed South into Mexico, where
he must make his way through hundreds of armed banditos, who are firing
pistoles and having mustachioes. After a brutally long kung-fu
sword-and-gun fight, he leaves a trail of bloody sombreros all the way to the Texas border, where
Tommy Lee Jones and Clint Eastwood help him learn how to use guns.
Eventually he makes his way to Tombstone, Arizona, and kills Kevin
Costner. At the end, he finds his daughter already knocked up by Clint
Eastwood (betrayal and sadness!) and commits ritual suicide, dishonored and
disgraced, showing how no one in America really respected the cultural heritage
of Kung-fu sword-fighters until the modern era (touching and
enlightening).
- The Fourth, By Jenna
Tierney, Junior Gender Studies Major
Their Version: A group
of girls from the same small town in Jersey are all at separate colleges. They have a reunion over the Fourth of July, only to find their one friend who didn't go to college is involved with drugs
and sexual experimentation. They soon all got involved in a world of
self-delusion and self-medication, searching for enlightenment. They find
each other, either as friends, lovers, or enemies. A surrealist journey
into the mind of young people during their most formative years.
My Version: A neuro-degenerative brain disease, only transmitted by sexual
contact, is sweeping across college campuses. A group of three girls
return to their hometown over the Fourth of July weekend…only to start lezzing
out and getting high! They find out (gasp!) they're infected, except for their
one friend who didn't go to college! Back in their home town (which is
NOT Jersey, but instead outside LA where everyone wears skirts and/or nothing),
the non-college friend is totally smokin' and wicked smart. She wears
glasses. She is reading a book when her three friends try to eat her
brains because they have STZDs (Sexually Transmitted Zombie Diseases) and the
smart friend has to run. Eventually, Jeff Goldblum kills her ex-boyfriend
and they have to run into the heart of the city to find a cure! They find
it, and totally bone. Her friends zombie-lezz over the end credits.
- Death to All Robot Grizzly Bears, by Ned Haskins, Freshman Computer Science Engineer
Their Version: A bunch
of Robot Grizzly Bears from space invade earth. Only Jason Statham and
Clive Owen are British enough to stop them. Will Smith gets killed in the
first five minutes. Peter O'Toole is governor of England and
asks the two badasses to save the world. They begrudgingly agree and do.
At the end, Clive Owne gets back with his ex-wife (Bridget Monahan) who
was captured by the bears and forced into bondage and skimpy outfits.
Before the credits roll, Statham is really drunk and kicks the Bush twins out
of bed, claiming it was the only time he has not enjoyed a threesome. A
giant robot grizzly George W. Bush/Cheney amalgam bursts through his wall, and
Statham says, "Crikey!". Fin.
My Version: This cannot be improved.
- The Quest for Firewater, by Georgianna Huntsman, Senior Linguistics Major
Their Version: A touching tragic-comic tale about the first
Indians to attempt fermentation, this story chronicles Winged Hawk as he tries
to develop an understanding of chemistry as well as addiction in a culture that
views most science as superstition.
By Michael J. Weingarth